Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Holding On and Letting Go

It's been about 3 months since I last wrote, and my life took a dramatic turn I wasn't anticipating during that time. Derrick and I had agreed that, even though we were no longer together, we would finish our lease and extend it by a few months so that my daughter wouldn't be uprooted from her school and friends in the middle of the year. Derrick then changed his mind sporadically a week before my detox. We got into a huge fight about it and after spending some time trying to figure out what my options were, Eric and I agreed that my daughter and I would move in with him in February, as close to the semester break as possible. I did all the work in transferring my daughter's school and daycare, set up everything so we could get out of there, and we moved President's Day weekend. Derrick, who insisted he couldn't wait much longer and, during our fight, informed me that he could "move out now" stayed in the house a good month after I left. Needless to say, I cut that friendship off and have no intention of ever speaking to him again.

It didn't help that for the month that Derrick was there, he expected I would maintain the internet for his use. I did, for about a week, but then when our landlady contacted us to tell me that she had found a new tenant and could we be out by mid-March, he refused to leave. Needless to say, I immediately canceled the internet. I was already facing having to clean the entire townhouse by myself in hopes of getting any of the security deposit back (which is supposed to all come to me per my last contact with the landlady); hell if I was going to give him free internet in the process. He's moving to another state where he claims he plans to go back to school. Having watched him treat his job like an option and not a priority for the last year plus, I can't help having huge doubts about his follow through for returning to college on the G.I. Bill. When he left, he hadn't even contacted the air force about getting his transcripts or starting the application process. At least that no longer affects me. Good riddance.

My daughter has not been adjusting as well as Eric and I had hoped she would. She was the one who suffered the most, going through all the changes while Eric and I had only to adjust to each other and a new house, our professional lives remained relatively the same. But kiddo had to leave her friends and start over at a new school and new daycare, adjust to a new house and new house rules, and deal with a longer commute to her father's house. It's been rough. We got kittens, and that seems to have brightened her spirits a great deal, though we do have to remind her not to chase them on a regular basis. She has made some new friends, but it's still been hard on her. The effect this has on her was the driving force behind my anger at Derrick and my subsequent decision to cut ties with him.

Life with Eric has been going pretty well, despite a few bumps in the road as we adjust to each other. The one thing that I've really loved about it is the help I've had. I've been a single mom for the majority of my daughter's life and I've just gotten used to doing everything. Eric has made it so even when I don't ask for his help, he just does things. He takes my daughter to school every morning and he helps put her to bed every night. I've never had someone that involved in her life, not even her own father, so it's been a wonderful change for both of us. I feel comfortable and happy in this new life. Neither of us was expecting to make this move so soon as the original plan was set for June, but in a way, I am glad it worked out this way. The situation with Derrick was deteriorating quickly and it just would have grown into a more toxic environment for my child.

I also think I finally have managed to cut the Greek from my life for good. After one more attempt to get me to be with him, this time suggesting a relationship in a lifestyle I could never see myself in, I told him I needed space and eventually just made it permanent. I didn't block him like I did the time before so that I could watch for signs that he was going to try to contact me again, but it's been about 3 months since I last saw him and almost 2 months since I last heard from him.

It's been a bit of an adventure the last three months, but I'm happy to report that life seems to be stabilizing once again. Now that the initial crisis has been averted and things are back on track, I need to start letting go of my anger and find it in my heart to forgive Derrick. Forgiveness will not mean that I will want to reconcile with him, but I need to forgive him for my own mental health and well being. I need to let go of what he did to me and find peace with it. It's not going to be an easy journey, but it's a journey that will be well worth the end result.

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