I changed train stations, began taking different trains, and blocked his number. Yet still, at the beginning of October, he found me. I was sitting quietly on the train, listening to my music and staring absentmindedly out the window, letting my thoughts wander aimlessly as I usually do. Someone sat next to me, which is not unusual for a bit of public transportation, but I sensed that this person was looking at me and it only took a second before the person spoke to me. I looked up and found the Greek sitting beside me.
He had sent me an email about 2 days before, which had seemed harmless enough, but I still wasn’t comfortable contacting him. Apparently I wasn’t being given a choice in that respect. He immediately launched into a speech about his feelings for me. He still loved me, and he was sorry for throwing away what we had without a fight. He read me an excerpt from a book. Then he declared that he wanted to try again, and this time, he was putting marriage on the table, which previously had been one of the many reasons I did not choose him in the end.
I was completely at a loss. The only thing going through my head at this point was a repeated “holy shit, holy shit, holy shit.” I did manage to deny his statements when he told me he really did want to get married. After hearing for close to a year how marriage was the epitome of evil and all that was wrong with the world, this 180 certainly came out of left field for me. By the time we reached my stop, I hugged him awkwardly. I felt bad for what he had been through and what he had disclosed, but at the same time, I felt violated. I felt scared. I was relieved to leave the train and get some space.
I unblocked his number, mostly to avoid another ambush on the train, and agreed to talk to him on Monday, as it was a holiday and I was without plans. I ended up seeing him on Saturday as well at a local fair. I was meeting up with some friends and he tagged along. It was a little awkward at first, but nowhere near as awkward as when Eric showed up. Sitting between two men who were vying for my affections was a situation I should have been accustomed to at this point in my life, but no matter how many times I find myself in this situation, it doesn’t get any easier.
On Monday we met at a restaurant near his house. I had strategized with Derrick prior to this meeting, but once I got there, all the strategizing died because he had walked to the restaurant, which was packed, and any other place we ventured to would require me to drive him. It was a long, emotional day. I let him state his case. I stated part of mine, but in the end, I needed the time to review everything. However, in spite of his newfound interest in marriage, that was never the reason I walked away from him. There were a lot of reasons, including a complete disregard for my boundaries on his part. After about a week or so more of talking to him, I finally had to have yet another long emotionally charged conversation. It will, hopefully, be the last this time. He swore he would leave me alone until I contacted him, but past experience has taught me not to trust this.
What it came down to for me was this: if I was as happy with the Greek as he believed me to be, I never would have reopened communication with Eric. I would have been content to pursue the relationship with the Greek. That’s not how it went down, and I found in Eric what I was missing in my life. I love Eric and I want to move forward in my life with him.
I don’t know what will happen with the Greek. Part of me wants to maintain a friendship, but a lot of me is just done. If I want my boundaries to be pushed or challenged, I can rely on my ex husband for that. I want to be stronger in my 30’s than I was in my 20’s. I want to set firm boundaries and I won’t be able to do that if I remain friendly with someone who has proven on a regular basis to disregard my intentions and feelings for his own personal gain. While part of me misses his companionship, I can’t base my decision on a sense of normalcy that was created against my wishes. Yes it was normal to see him daily on the train, but I did fight against that occurrence at points and I have to learn to differentiate between actually wanting to see someone versus accepting that it is an inevitability.
Our last conversation was on Thursday of last week. I haven’t heard from him since and I hope to keep it that way.