For the program I’m in, I have to do a 4-6 month rotation
either within my own agency or with another agency. My boss and I went back and
forth for months before we finally settled on where I would do my rotation. I’m
working within my agency with a group closely related to mine. They’re
physically close to me too, so I didn’t even have to move my desk!
The workload has been OK though sometimes it’s a little
slower than I would like and I try to pace myself so I can have something to do
every day. They aren’t really keen on giving me much else to do while we’re
focused on a particular busy season for application review (which is what I’m
doing). However, I think after the second round of review is over, I’ll bug them
for more projects to do for my last couple of months here.
My team lead has been really helpful and awesome. I have
learned a lot from him, though I’ve never actually met him in person. He works
from home full time. He actually is what prompted this post, but before I get
to why, I wanted to write about what caused the reaction I had to something he
sent me.
I said in a previous post
that my mother would often compare my brother and me. How I often lived in my
brother’s shadow and felt like I would never measure up. I also said in that
post that I felt like a late bloomer and that I no longer felt mediocre because
I’ve had many successes that I’m proud of over the last decade. However, it
doesn’t mean that I don’t often second guess myself, my abilities, my
decisions, and my future. This past year with the PMF program has been really
challenging. I’ve faced things I haven’t done before and, while I will admit I
was overwhelmed at first, I feel I have risen to the task. But even while being
proud of myself and what I’ve accomplished, I still need validation. When your childhood was spent being compared and overshadowed, I suppose second guessing
becomes second nature.
So, that’s why, when I expressed concern to my team lead that
I was overthinking or over-commenting on my contracts, his response really
touched me. He first sent me an email thanking me for my thoroughness and my
organization. I wrote back my concern about being too much of an overthinker.
His response: “You’re a rock star. Don’t change a thing. J”
And I burst into tears. I think, sometimes, the thing that
hurts the most about the fact that I lost my mom is that I’ve never felt like I
was able to prove to her that, while I may not be as smart or accomplished as
my siblings, I have accomplished things in life. I’m smart and successful in my
own way and, yes, it took me longer to get there, but I’m here, now. I think
the thing I need more often than I’d like to admit is external validation. I’m
proud of myself, but there’s something about hearing it from someone you
respect that just makes a difference. Even with the encouragement and
validation from past managers, I still cannot seem to escape the tone of my
mother’s voice that implied I’m not good enough. That I will NEVER be good
enough.
I read a post on Quora where a mother asked if it was bad
that she severely punished her daughter for getting a “B.” A “B”! My mother
never punished me for a “B,” but she would always pester me about raising it to
an “A.” It’s amazing to me because my daughter has a learning disability. She
struggled throughout 5th grade and we barely made it over the finish
line to graduation. She’s doing better in middle school, but she still
struggles sometimes. I’ve never punished her for her grades because I don’t
think that’s fair. I know she’s trying her best and I know it’s really hard for
her. I don’t want her to grow up thinking she’s stupid or mediocre. I want her
to know that I believe in her and I will support her. We’ve worked with the school
to come up with accommodations that help her to succeed and I want her to know
that her accomplishments matter. She’s an only child, so there’s no real way to
compare her to someone else, but I wouldn’t do it anyway.
I think that’s a problem with parenting: expectations.
Whether it’s that your kids will be straight “A” students, the star of the
football team, or follow into the business you built, we’re failing our kids with
expecting them to live up to our expectations. It’s one thing to expect your
kid to follow rules, but it’s another to expect them to follow in your
footsteps. I want my daughter to find her own way. I’ve set up a college fund
for her, but if she opts to go a different way in life, I want to support her.
She’s already talking about going to college online, and while a part of me
hopes she’ll change her mind and get the full “college experience,” another
part of me is OK with that. It’s what I did! She’ll also likely have a lot of
programs to choose from by then because online education is really taking over
the nation.
Thankfully, I was working from home today, so no one was a
witness to the reaction I had to the positive feedback from my team lead. He’ll
never know what a profound impact his words had on me, but I will and I will
always be grateful for that. Hopefully one day in the future, I will be able to
return the favor or, at least, pay it forward.
