ACOTAR: Feyre and her feelings

 I finished A Court of Wings and Ruin last night, and now my aggravation turns to Feyre.

SPOILERS AHEAD!

Ok, so, we've discussed my issues with Tamlin, let's talk about Feyre. In the first book, Feyre doesn't confess her feelings for Tamlin until it's too late to lift the curse. This causes her to have to undergo the trials under the mountain and solve Amarantha's riddle. She does so in her final human moments, stating that the answer is "love." The High Lords grant pieces of themselves to save her life and she goes back to the Spring Court as a newly Made fae. 

So, you would think, that after everything that happened because she refused to confess her true feelings for Tamlin, she would have learned the value in speaking from the heart. But then, in ACOMAF, she, once again, doesn't tell Rhys how she feels. They both dance around their feelings, and in Rhys case, I totally get it. He's felt the mating bond, he's fallen in love with her, but as far as he knows, she's still in love with Tamlin. And then when they go to the Summer Court, she tells Tarquin that he would "be very easy to love." Talk about a low blow to poor Rhys. She can fall in love with Spring and Summer, but his Night is unlovable. Ouch.

But she does love him. And at first, I get it, she's still torn up over what happened with Tamlin. She feels like she should feel guilty, but she doesn't. As the writer I alluded to in my last post wrote, in some ways, it's like Amarantha was right about humans and their fickle hearts. So, I understand why it takes her a while to confess those feelings.

Yet, she's handed the perfect opportunity when they're at the tavern in the attic room, and instead she tells Rhys she wants "fun, a distraction." And then has the nerve to wonder if it's possible he doesn't see the lie for what it is. At this moment, I wanted to reach through the pages and shake her. She was so hurt and so upset when Tamlin didn't listen to her, didn't acknowledge her feelings, didn't take her at her word. And now, when someone does, she wonders how he can't see the lie. I just...WTF? You cannot have your cake and eat it too, Feyre!

And then she finds out about the mating bond, and that Rhys didn't tell her. Fair. She's upset, she's angry, she's hurt. He kept something from her, just like Tamlin. I understand where her mind goes here. But when she goes to that cabin in the mountains, when she starts to miss Rhys, she doesn't reach out to him, or to Mor to come get her and bring her back. She doesn't apologize. Rhys instead comes to her and shares his whole story. And what does she do when he's done? She puts a bowl of soup in front of him after he tells her he loves her and tells him to eat. OMFG Feyre! (I know that this is representative of an acceptance of the mating bond, but she doesn't SAY anything to confirm that she accepts it).

Yes, in the next chapter, they talk, she finally says it, but only after he prompts her. Then they have sex and everything is happy. But like, her inability to voice her feelings, after everything she went through Under the Mountain, after knowing the cost of not doing so with Tamlin. It was like her character arc in the first book was tarnished, or never happened. It was like she learned nothing from that experience. And yes, I get that she was confused at first, about her feelings, about Tamlin, and still processing what happened to her. Yet, at the same time, she was clearly feeling something, and instead of examining it, instead of working through it, she ignores it. If anyone should have learned the value of voicing their feelings, it's Feyre.

If it stopped there, and she was more open with her feelings, I think I wouldn't be so irritated. But there are other instances where he says it, and she just...doesn't respond. And he even kind of calls her out on that. When he says in ACOWAR that he "dreamed" she would one day say that to him. She has said it, at least once, in ACOMAF at the cabin, but she doesn't say it very often. When they're facing the High Lords and she attacks Beron, Rhys says it into her head, twice, and she doesn't respond. 

But the moment that really gets me, is when they're repairing the cauldron at the end of ACOWAR. I know she doesn't understand that he's saying goodbye. I know that she's concentrating on fixing the cauldron, saving their world. Still, would it have taken that much effort to send back a simple "I love you, too" in that moment? After everything they faced, she couldn't just say it, through the bond, one time?

The best part is, she then harps on other people not expressing their feelings. She spent a long time in ACOWAR obsessing over Mor/Azriel and Nesta/Cassian. She calls out Mor for not being more honest with Az, and I'm just over here thinking "pot, this is kettle..." She literally invades Lucien's mind to understand his feelings for Elain. I just...for someone who struggles with voicing their feelings often, she has a lot of nerve to judge other people for it.

And then, there's the whole thing with writing Tamlin notes. I agree with the Tamlin fans that he deserved more than a short letter in ACOMAF, but I also think he deserved more than a two line note for literally saving her at the war camp when they rescued Elain and Rhys by helping to bring him back to life. I understand, again from reading reviews and spoiling* things for myself, that she and Rhys are still treating Tamlin like shit in book 4. Which...I'm curious to see why, though the reviews don't seem to imply there was much point other than to be jerks.

I'm not saying she should have gone to see him. Based on his refusal to even look at her at the meeting to determine the new world, I don't think it would have gone well. I don't trust that Tamlin would have controlled his temper. But, a longer letter, where maybe she explains some things that happened, and gives more than a blanket apology, like she did in ACOMAF during the scene with the cauldron and Hybern. And maybe he chooses not to read it. Maybe he burns it, or rips it to shred in a rage. But at least we could say that she tried. At least, we could say that she acknowledged his feelings while also voicing her own in a safe, healthy way. I would have a lot more respect for her character if she had given him the decency of an apology and a more heartfelt thank you for all he did and sacrificed for her. 

It doesn't excuse the things he did that hurt her, and I'm not even saying she should forgive him for those, though...I do think she should forgive him for herself. He doesn't need to know she forgives him, but for her well-being, her own ability to move on, forgiveness is important. There's a quote that says something like "Forgiving you doesn't mean what you did wasn't wrong. Forgiving you means that I won't let what you did hurt me anymore." Sometimes, forgiveness is more about the forgiver than the forgivee.

I'll admit, I'm not as driven to read the next two books in the series as I was to read the first three. The reviews are very mixed, and I'm not sure how I feel about reading a book about Nesta. I don't hate her, like a lot of people seem to, but...I'm just not as invested in her story, her character. I'd much rather read about Azriel or Mor or Lucien...or hell even Tamlin. Since so much of ACOWAR was Feyre telling her sister's stories, I don't really feel the need to focus on them. I'd much rather branch out into the other side characters of the inner circle and beyond.

*honestly, I never really mind spoilers because, as a writer, I'm more more interested in how the author gets to the things that are spoiled than the actual events themselves. So, reading something I spoiled is still interesting as I love seeing how the author brings the reader there.

A Court of Thorns and Roses Series

I realize it's been almost a year since my last post, and I promise I'll do a life update at some point, but right now I'm in the midst of NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) while reading an epic fantasy series. The fantasy series has a character that I know has been much debated, and I'm a little late to that party, but I wanted to throw my two cents in.

SPOILERS AHEAD! STOP HERE IF YOU HAVEN'T READ THE SERIES!

I started reading A Court of Thorns and Roses because I'm writing my first book in my faery fantasy trilogy for NaNo and I always try to read in the genre I'm writing. The first book pulled me in and I enjoyed the love story between Feyre and Tamlin. But I noticed, at the end of the book, that it wasn't Tamlin who was fighting tooth and nail to save Feyre from Aramantha, but Rhysand. After finishing the first book, I read enough spoilers in reviews to know that he becomes Feyre's new love interest in A Court of Mist and Fury.

Since I'm going to do something similar in my series, I wanted to see how the author handled it. While I think she did an amazing job, I've seen two camps forming among the reviewers: those who love Tamlin and cry character assassination and those who hate Tamlin and think he's an abusive asshole.

I'm in neither of these camps. I like Tamlin, yes even after everything that happened in ACOMAF, I still like him. But I'm finding myself overly frustrated with him in ACOWAR, and I finally pinpointed what it was that was bothering me so much. Tamlin is a *terrible* leader.

Throughout the first two books, Tamlin ignores advice from his most trusted friend, Lucien, ignores Feyre's concerns about things like the Tithe and just...everything going on with Feyre in general, and then in ACOWAR, when he's given the choice between siding with his sadistic priestess or his trusted sentries, he's sides with the priestess and THEN has the NERVE to blame Feyre for his soldiers abandoning him. Did Feyre contribute to that cause? Of course she did, but it wasn't like it was that hard. Honestly, I expected Feyre to resort to way more underhandedness than she did to cut down the Spring Court from the inside, but as she even notes during the scene when Tamlin whips the sentry, she gave him and Ianthe enough rope to hang themselves.

I read a post recently where the writer pointed out that Tamlin never wanted to be High Lord. I get that. A lot of people become reluctant leaders, but my problem with Tamlin is that he is a reluctant leader who refuses to acknowledge his own shortcomings. When someone questions him, when they push back, he explodes and destroys rooms. And it's not like he's new to this role. He's been High Lord for a long time. Clearly he wasn't born a natural leader and no, he didn't get any training to become one, but JFC he's had literal centuries to figure it out. At this point, he either should have abdicated and allowed someone with more sense to take over or relied more heavily on advisors (by, you know, actually LISTENING to them) to help him along the way.

Instead, he just goes along with the status quo. He reminds me of so many people I've worked with in the government who say "this is the way we've always done it" and when you push them on *why* something has always been done a certain way, they have no answer. They don't want to do the work and make the effort to examine not only why something has been done a certain way since the dawn of time, but whether that way is still relevant and *working* now. And this is why Tamlin is so frustrating. When Feyre asks him about the Tithe, when she points out that it's probably not a great time to do it because of the aftermath of Under the Mountain, he agrees, but continues to do it anyway. He alludes to revisiting it sometime in the future, but he's been the fucking High Lord for god knows how long and he's never once considered changing how he handles things?

I'm not finished reading ACOWAR, but the scene that prompted this rant (and yes, I acknowledge, that's exactly what this is) was when the High Lords are gathered to determine how to attack Hybern, he blamed Feyre for the fact that his sentries left him. Like, take some fucking accountability dude. As Nesta so eloquently said in an earlier scene, if he's looking for someone to blame, he needs to look in the mirror. But he doesn't. Again, Feyre really didn't have to do very much to tear apart the Spring Court from the inside. Tamlin's temper had already caused so many problems (both in his court and in his relationships), he'd already showed how far he was willing to go to bring Feyre back, and he's showing how bitter he can be now with the High Lords. I wanted to high five whichever of the Lords told him to take his lover's spat elsewhere because, seriously? Not. The. Time.

He also makes questionable decisions as a leader. Everyone makes mistakes, I certainly can agree with that, and even Rhys, with his constant theme of giving all he can, has made countless mistakes in the time since Feyre came to the Night Court. And because we're in Feyre's POV, we can understand Rhys' reasoning because of the bond with Feyre, but we don't have that access to Tamlin's head. Fair enough. He still was willing to sacrifice his entire people (not his court, the Fae people) to save Feyre from her fate Under the Mountain. Yes, that's love. But it's also terrible leadership. Sometimes leaders have to make the hard choices, sacrifices for the greater good. By sending Feyre away, he not only doomed himself, his court, he doomed he entire land. And it just made it that much harder for Feyre to return to save them all when she had to cross back over the wall. I understand why he did it, and I imagine, even if he knew then what he knows now, he would have still chosen the same.

So, I will talk about the elephant in the room: whether or not Tamlin's character was assassinated. I don't believe it was, but I also don't agree with the people who are vilifying him based on what happened in ACOMAF. As the writer of the post I alluded to earlier notes, Tamlin didn't read ACOMAF and so he doesn't know what Feyre went through with Rhys and the others in the Night Court. He doesn't know how Feyre fell in love with Rhys or how much she struggled over what happened to her Under the Mountain, what happened to her while in the Night Court, etc.

However, I would argue that Feyre didn't read ACOMAF either. She lived it. And we are getting her perspective only. Having been in more than one toxic relationship, I can tell you that when things are still raw, when you're coming to terms with what happened to you, it's hard to see the forest for the trees. By the same logic of the other writer, Feyre didn't see Tamlin's panic, his desperation to find her and save her from what he thought was a terrible fate. She doesn't know what he went through after she left, and since we are in her perspective, we only get bits of pieces, mostly from Lucien.

And Feyre doesn't have enough distance from Tamlin to see that they were just toxic for each other. They both changed Under the Mountain, and they were no longer compatible. Tamlin became terrified of losing her, and he's a possessive person to begin with, so that was just amplified by what he witnessed. He thought he was doing her a favor, making her life comfortable and trying to ease her cares. Some people have said he was oblivious, but I think he chose to be deliberately ignorant of what she was feeling because he didn't know how to help her, what she needed. I think he hoped it would go away, that she would just get better, but that's not how PTSD works. And the more she tried to call out to him, to try to tell him what she actually needed, the more he did the things he thought were best for her. And as I stated earlier, Tamlin is not someone who examines things that aren't working to see if there's a different way to do them. He's not very introspective, and that cost him.

The other writer suggested that if Tamlin and Feyre had a conversation, that would solve a lot. If they were better communicators, I would agree. But Tamlin goes into rages that literally put Feyre in physical danger, were it not for her powers. Feyre also sucks at communicating (her inability to say "I love you" when it matters most is a rant for another time). I don't think it would be wise, or safe, for Feyre and Tamlin to sit down and have a discussion until Tamlin does some work on himself and Feyre gets some distance from what she went through. Besides, Feyre tried to talk to Tamlin, he didn't listen, which goes along with his lack of accountability and leadership that I've already discussed.

Another thing I'd like both camps to consider is that these three books happen over the span of like a year or two. In ACOWAR, when Feyre is at the Spring Court, she notes it's been a year since the last summer solstice. So, I understand why Tamlin tries so hard to get Feyre back. He doesn't know the transformation she undergoes while at the Night Court, and he believes she still loves him as he loves her. And I understand why Feyre felt guilty or felt like she SHOULD feel guilty about falling for Rhys because of how little time had passed since she left the Spring Court in ACOMAF.

What I think gets lost in this argument is that, sometimes love isn't enough. You can love someone with your heart and soul, and that person can still be absolutely wrong for you. I know, deep down, I still love my high school boyfriend. In fact, my second manuscript is inspired by our relationship. It's part wish fulfillment. What might have been had we given each other the time and the space to grow, and learn, and change. But it's also part apology, to him, to me, for what happened. I can look back at that relationship now and know that we weren't right for each other, that we were toxic for each other, because I have had two decades to grow and change. I've had two decades to get that distance and really see how everything went down from a different perspective. With time, with experience, I've gotten older, and hopefully, wiser.

Feyre hasn't. I don't know where ACOWAR ends as far as the timeline, or the other books in the series, but it's still fresh for her. She's still coming to terms with Under the Mountain and the end of her relationship with Tamlin. Yes, Tamlin seems villainized in ACOMAF and ACOWAR, but that's because that's how SHE is feeling. That's how SHE is processing what happened to HER. And after being locked in a house, after having her needs ignored, and furniture thrown at her because of another rage, she is going to see things a lot differently than Tamlin. It doesn't make her more or less right, but the fact that Tamlin sees things differently doesn't make her feelings less valid or vice versa.

The blog writer I mentioned earlier acknowledges that Tamlin has flaws, but I think the frustration for me is that he does nothing to address those flaws. He remains oblivious, even as it costs him his love, his best friend, and his court. He still looks outside of himself for blame. In ACOMAF, I felt sorry for him, even when he sided with Hybern and caused Feyre's sisters to go in the cauldron. I know he thought he was doing whatever he could to "save" Feyre, even though she didn't need saving. But he has a temper he does nothing to control. He makes choices that don't make any sense. And then, when it all blows up in his face, he seeks an outside source to blame.

And so, I can also understand the other camp, the one that sees him as abusive. Because it is a pattern with him. He gets mad and blows up, but then comes back to apologize, and that is a cycle of abuse that I and so many others are familiar with. And, again, my problem with this behavior is that he doesn't try to change it. He did so briefly, as so many real life abusers do, when Feyre came back and told him she was feeling suffocated. But then when Rhys took her again, as soon as she returned to the Spring Court, Tamlin locked her up. 

I think their relationship is toxic, and I think they are both better off without each other. But as with my ex boyfriend, I think in some ways, we brought that toxicity out of each other. It's not an excuse, for Tamlin, for my ex, or for me. It's just a reality, a perspective to consider. My ex and I are both in healthy relationships now (at least, I assume he is, we don't talk), which gives credence to my feeling that just because *we* didn't work, doesn't mean that we're bad people, it just meant we were bad for each other. And that's how I feel about Tamlin and Feyre.

For Tamlin to move on, to find peace, and maybe find a love of his own, he has to start taking accountability for his actions, or lack thereof. For instance, when the High Lords were angry that he didn't share the powers Feyre obtained when she was brought back to life, he brushed it off as "none of their business." Again, refusing to take accountability for his poor judgment, for his mistakes. Up until this scene, I was actually rooting for Tamlin to get a redemption storyline, and I do hope that eventually, the author will consider that. But I've also read that he's still brooding in book 5, so...I'm not holding my breath.

I feel like Tamlin is still waters running deep. There's a lot about him that would make him lovable, that would redeem him, but he needs to purge his anger, his temper, and work on himself. He needs to accept how his own actions contributed to his court's downfall, and determine what changes he needs to make to rebuild and avoid it happening again. And if he can't run the Spring Court, if he can't provide the leadership they need, then he should find someone who can and step down.

For what it's worth, I'm halfway through ACOWAR and look forward to reading through the remaining books in the series. I also plan to re-read the series from a writer's perspective as I continue writing my own fantasy trilogy.

One last thought, I plan to keep my books to a trilogy, though I know a lot of readers want the worlds the authors create to continue (I saw this with Harry Potter, Outlander, Twilight, etc.). But do readers ever wish a series ended at one particular point? I've seen some fans of the Court series that didn't enjoy the fourth and fifth book as much. I'm wondering if sometimes, things can just get too dragged out.

I'll Never Forget How You Made Me Feel

 

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

― Maya Angelou

I've been thinking about this quote a lot lately. When I first started at my current agency, one of the people who hired me left to start a position in the private sector. She gave me this quote on a magnet, which I always thought was a bit strange since we barely knew each other. But it stuck with me, and recently I think I've started to fully understand it.

When I was finishing my first master's, there were days when I felt like hell. A few months into the program, my coworker announced that she was going to be retiring soon. Suddenly, not only was I pursuing a very vigorous program, but I was facing running an office, and supporting eleven attorneys, all by myself. And with it being a state government position, I knew it would be a long time before we'd be able to hire someone else. It was daunting. Coupled with that, I had been struggling with my master's program, especially since I had back-to-back classes requiring group work, and my introverted self was tired.

At one point, I had eight months of classes with no breaks, and the classes were each eight weeks long. So from January until August, I was constantly writing papers, working on projects, and trying to coordinate schedules with other busy adults. It was a nightmare, and there were days I considered quitting.

It was July, and I had just started another new class that had a huge group project. I was already dreading it, but first, we had a slightly smaller project to complete with a group of about five people. I have never considered myself a leader, but my grades in grad school really mattered to me, so I forced myself into a role way outside of my comfort zone. After reading the syllabus for this class, I heaved a heavy sigh, gathered my strength, and went to work coordinating the first meeting. The meetings actually went pretty well, and I had some hope that things might be different in this class. But that's not what stuck with me. One kind soul lightened my mood tremendously with an offhand joke he probably doesn't even remember, and then later on gave me a shout out in a discussion question.

I didn't realize how much I just needed this one small act of kindness when my life was starting to feel out of control. Don't get me wrong, my husband was trying to be supportive, and the attorneys I worked for strived to make sure I knew how appreciated I was, but for reasons I can't explain, his comments buoyed my mood. It wasn't so much what he said, but it was, as the quote above notes, how he made me feel. Seen. Respected. I never forgot that experience, and when I had the chance to meet him in person, I thought maybe I'd take the time to thank him. I lost my nerve because I knew it would be weird and awkward. It was unlikely he would even remember what he said. And then he and his wife paid me another kindness when I was alone at one of the events before graduation. They sat and talked to me as we waited for the bus to take us back to the metro and then I think we even rode the metro together for part of the way. I hate traveling on public transportation, but especially at night, and I appreciated not having to travel that whole way alone.

We recently reconnected over writing as he is trying to get published as well, and my initial offer to be a beta reader has morphed into me helping him find comps and doing essentially a developmental edit for him. He keeps telling me he doesn't know how to thank me, but he doesn't have to, because this is my thank you to him.