The Road Less Traveled

Two years ago today, my professional life completely altered. I found out I was a PMF finalist and I knew that the question of leaving the state had changed from "if" to "when." Six months from now, I will complete the conversion process and, fingers crossed, I will convert to a permanent federal position. I've completed all the requirements for the program and am now focusing on learning more in my position while continuing to improve my skills.

My hoped for future with the federal government has made me think about my professional past. Recently, Facebook's algorithms have added some people from my past to my "suggested friends." One of those people was formerly the HR director at the very first law firm at which I worked. I obtained the job because my mother had worked as a legal secretary there and they decided to take a chance on me. After six months working as a scanner/coder (scanning was relatively new technology back then), I was promoted to a legal secretary position myself.

At the time, I was also attending school at night at the local community college with a focus on obtaining my AA in English. The community college had a degree program for paralegals and I remember talking with the HR director about switching majors because the law interested me. I thought being a paralegal might be a better career path than trying to be a writer. The HR director discouraged me from doing this, pointing out that paralegals at the firm typically used the position as a stepping stone on their way to law school. She said if I wasn't planning to attend law school, then being a paralegal wasn't worth it. I didn't know any better, so I believed her and did not switch my major.

Through a series of stupid decisions and unfortunate events, I left that job and struggled with employment for the next couple of years. It wasn't until I obtained a part time job with the state that I finally felt like I found my place, and with it, I learned what a paralegal actually is. Yes, large law firms, like the one I used to work for, do have a 2 year program for individuals who hope to become attorneys to work as paralegals, giving them professional experience before they move on to law school. However, to discount the entire profession based on such a limited experience was disingenuous.

When I went back to school after obtaining that job with the state, I thought about switching my degree field at that point to a paralegal one, but then I realized I only needed roughly 20 credits to complete my AA in English. So, I finished it and then pursued a BS in Legal Studies through an online program. Still, had I not listened to her, I might have finished my paralegal certificate at the same time I finished the AA degree and moved forward in my career that much faster. Hindsight is always 20/20.

I told that story because I want to note that I have come a long way from that young, impressionable 19 year old. Over my many years with the state, I was encouraged to attend law school and for a while, it was a path I was considering. The truth; however, was that I never really wanted to be a lawyer. I love the law, I love learning about it, and when I worked at my last position with the state, I found I really loved creating it. I liked the idea of creating policies that would make a difference, that would maybe fix a problem instead of spinning my wheels trying to defend poor policies. That's why I decided to go for my master's in Public Administration and Policy instead of law school.

I never would have made it here had I listened to that HR director and stuck with English through my bachelor's. I never would have delved into the world of law had I not defied my mother and dropped out of that four year liberal arts school after only one year. My path to education and my career have been criticized by many different people over the years: family, friends, coworkers, etc. My mother wanted me to pursue writing and it is still a dream that I want to pursue, but if I had focused on that dream when I was younger, I never would have realized my love of policy making and analysis. I never would have considered any of the things I've done in my career because I didn't even know some of them were options and, more importantly, I didn't know I was *good* at them until I had the opportunity to try.

What I have learned is that I am more successful when I ignore the naysayers, at least in my career (in my romantic life, I should have listened to those naysayers a lot more regarding my first marriage!). Family chastised me for dropping out of college, but I found my own way through it and eventually finished a master's degree. So many people said I jumped jobs too much, but all the experience from my various jobs led me to where I am today. I found a love of legislation because I jumped jobs one last time in the state and ended up working with a legislative attorney. One attorney at my last job doubted I could even obtain a fellowship and was really negative about the opportunity, but I was offered three different positions before I received my final offer. Another attorney at that job said she thought I would miss the "hustle" of litigation. My position, much like the position I had when I first started with the state, has an appeals process that my unit is heavily involved in and the work is interesting. Law school was something I was encouraged in throughout my time with the state, but I'm glad I didn't go that route because I found a successful career path without it (and without the student loans that come with it).

I wish I knew back then what I have come to realize now: I have always needed to follow my own path, not one that was set out for me or one that others thought I should take. As the poem says: "Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference."

45 by 45

Back when I was completing my list of 30 things to do by the time I turned 30, I wrote that I wanted to make a new list of 45 things to complete by the time I was 45. I picked 45 because that was the age my mom was when she died and at the time, it dawned on me that when my mom turned 30, she only had 15 years of life left. It made me wonder if she could have gone back, with that knowledge, what would she have wanted to accomplish in the time she had left? She shared many regrets with me during her last few months. With that in mind, I made a list of 45 items, a sort of “bucket” list if you will.

Well, that was almost 6 years ago and up until this summer, I had completed all of one item on the list (we visited Mayan ruins on our honeymoon). So, when I started planning the trip to Maine, I looked over the list to determine what other items I could accomplish while we were there. I had originally set out to accomplish 3 things, but when my husband gave me the limitations for our trip, I had to cut out one (rock climbing) because we wouldn’t have time to go to Bar Harbor.

The two main items I was able to complete were whale watching and white water rafting. I do have visiting all 50 states on the list and my husband insisted we drive to Maine, so I was able to add a few New England states on our way, but I still have the entire west coast I have yet to visit. I looked at whale watching directly out of Portland, but I wasn’t thrilled with the reviews of the main company I found on tripadvisor, so I branched out a bit and found a company in Boothbay Harbor. It was probably a good thing we drove as we would have needed to rent a car to complete the two items on my list.

Whale watching, with Cap’n Fish’s Whale Watch, was first and we lucked out in finding a juvenile humpback. I didn’t get the greatest of pictures as I think the poor creature was trying to take a nap while we chased it around the ocean, but I did see it breach once. It was a wonderful experience, being that close to such a large and majestic animal. We also were able to see other wildlife while in Maine, not just on this tour. We saw sunfish, seals, porpoises, and a bald eagle. For one afternoon, we booked a private charter with Fogg’s Boatworks and that was when we were treated to an entire colony of seals on a rock in the bay. We watched them for a long time, taking countless pictures, but then as we were about to leave, a bald eagle landed on the island. Suddenly all the birds and seals took flight and left the eagle with an island to himself. I told Eric that it was like seeing National Geographic in action!

After we had our fill of Portland, we drove into the mountains to a little town called The Forks. We stayed at a really nice camping resort called Northern Outdoors which had cabins, a campground, and rooms above the lodge (which Eric enjoyed because the lodge included a craft brewery. I think that was his favorite part of the trip: all the beer!). We were able to go hiking soon after we arrived to a waterfall called Moxie Falls and then we retired to our room at the lodge for some R&R before our white water rafting trip the next day.

The next morning, we were up and dressed bright and early to head out on the river. None of us had been white water rafting before, so we were all a little nervous. Surprisingly, the river water was much warmer than I was expecting, which was good because not long after we got underway, Eric and half of the family we were paired with took an unintentional swim! Honestly, I think the worst part for me was carrying the raft down really steep stairs to the place we would put in the river. Ever since our orange cat attempted murder on me last October by tripping me down our stairs, I’ve been more than a little apprehensive of them. The river itself wasn’t bad, maybe up to a category 4 of rapids, but not higher than that. We had a lot of fun and were able to purchase pictures of our experience. Both Eric and the kiddo went swimming in the river once we passed the worst of the rapids (intentionally this time). Even though the water was warmer than I expected, it still wasn’t quite the temperature I prefer swimming in (I haven’t enjoyed swimming in cooler water since my trips to the Bahamas and Mexico, that’s the temperature I prefer).

After checking off these two items from my list, I started really looking into what I wanted to accomplish with this list again. At this point, I’ve got a little over 9 years before I hit 45, so I’m definitely thinking I need to start pursuing items with a vengeance! Unfortunately, some of the items will have to wait because I can’t take kiddo out of the country until she’s 18 (it’s a long story and an even longer court battle, so it’s really just not worth it). Some of the items are easier (performing in community theatre, learning to sail, learning to ski, and learning to ice skate), but others will require some planning. I don’t expect to finish everything by the time I hit 45 as the list is more meant as things to aspire to than actual goals, but the more I items I complete, the less regrets I’m likely to have, right?

A Ghostly Encounter

My family and I went to Portland, Maine this summer. It was the first vacation we've been able to take in 3 years due to my grad school schedule and starting as a PMF last summer, which impacted my ability to take time off. I planned out multiple days of fun including lots of boat rides, tours of the city, and a trip to the mountains for white water rafting.

One of the tours kiddo requested was a ghost tour. We've done one in Annapolis, and I've done them in St. Augustine as well. She's really gotten into ghosts and other supernatural things lately, which reminds me a lot of myself as a teen; however, she's not hanging around graveyards yet, so she's not quite up to my level of morbidity. 😉 She also likes to tease me about being wiccan (or a "witch" as she calls me), so I don't know that she'll ever fully be as weird as I was. She's only 12 though, so there's time!

The tour was called Wicked Walking Tours: A Comedy of Haunted History. I noticed that, unlike other tours I've been on, there was only one time per night for a tour and not as many options for tours during our time in Portland. After returning home, I did a bit of research and I think that is because our tour guide, Gordon, is also the owner of the company. This was the first of many differences that really made the tour stand out to me.

After checking in with Gordon, we sat around waiting for the tour to start. While we were waiting, I noticed Gordon kept glancing around at the group and then down at a sheet of paper. It dawned on me after watching him for a bit that he was trying to memorize our names. When he gathered us around to start the tour, he addressed each of us throughout his introduction, which I thought was a really nice touch.

Another difference I noted between the stories told on this tour and others was that not all of them were based solely in Portland. Often a story would actually begin somewhere else, and I found myself wondering why we were listening to a story about a shipwreck in North Carolina. However, Gordon always tied the story back to Portland and it made the tour more interesting.

The largest difference, and probably my favorite part of this tour, was that at the end of the night, Gordon asked if anyone had any stories to share. And here I want to discuss my one regret from this trip. I do have stories, or encounters to share; however, they involve my mother and I thought at the time that I didn't want to bring down the upbeat feeling of the tour. Even almost 17 years after the fact, it's difficult for me to think about, much less talk about my mother in any form: even the supernatural. So, I didn't share my story for two reasons: 1) because while my daughter is interested in anything ghost-related (she's a huge fan of those ghost hunter shows on tv), I was afraid that having a personal connection to a ghost story might freak her out; and 2) because I didn't think I could talk about it without getting emotional.

But here, under my pseudonym, I feel I can write about what happened. There were a couple of instances. Shortly after my mother died, my high school boyfriend was over at my house and we were, yet again, fighting. We had been trying to work on getting back together, but it wasn't going well. For a bit of a back story, my mother vehemently hated this guy, and would have probably rolled over in her grave at the mere suggestion I would get back together with him. However, my mother had a mischievous side and a great sense of humor. Anyway, at one point during the argument, he got so angry with me, he stormed out of my house and slammed the door. There is a hall closet at my childhood home. The door has never done this before nor has it happened since to my knowledge, but a few seconds after my ex slammed the door, the hall closet door flew open.

Now, logically, this could have been due to the sheer force of the front door slamming. The knob could have been loose from my dad removing his coat (he was not home during this incident). However, I like to think of it as my mom, with a twinkle in her eye, telling me that when one door closes (or slams) another one opens. . . in the literal sense.

There were a few other weird things that happened immediately following her death in that house, though I don't recall specifics beyond this incident. However, I feel sometimes that my mom comes back to visit me when I'm having a rough time. She died when I was only 19 and our relationship was strained, owing in part to my teenage angst. So, it's comforting to think, since I never got to experience the reconnecting phase after becoming an adult, that she comes back to check on me when I need guidance the most.

With that said, soon after I left my first husband and returned home with a baby, strange things began happening again. The most notable of incidents was one night at dinner, my sister and I were sitting at the table with kiddo in her booster seat. All of a sudden, the pitcher on the table slid from one side to the other on its own. No one was touching it and the table was completely level. It was also a glass pitcher full of tea, so it wasn't an empty pitcher pushed by (nonexistent) wind. According to my Facebook, it occurred in October of 2011, so it's possible the proximity to Halloween was involved. My sister saw it happen as well, so at least this time I felt a little less crazy.

I haven't had any additional strange occurrences as I haven't had as many hardships to face as I did in the years following my mom's passing. My father also sold our childhood home, so if the house itself is haunted (by my mom or another spirit), I will likely never know.

Even though I wasn't able to share my story with the group, I really appreciate that Wicked Walking Tours allows time for this at the end. I imagine they receive many chilling tales from tour guests and I've seen some of them recounted on the Facebook page. I think taking this time to hear from guests about their experience really adds a unique quality to this tour and it makes it my favorite of the tours I've been on thus far. I really enjoyed listening to Gordon, not just for the stories, but also for his performance as well. If he's not into acting, he really should be because he's very talented. If we're ever back in Portland, I would take this tour again and maybe by that point, I will be able to keep my emotions in check to share my experiences with the group.

Second Guessing is Second Nature

For the program I’m in, I have to do a 4-6 month rotation either within my own agency or with another agency. My boss and I went back and forth for months before we finally settled on where I would do my rotation. I’m working within my agency with a group closely related to mine. They’re physically close to me too, so I didn’t even have to move my desk!

The workload has been OK though sometimes it’s a little slower than I would like and I try to pace myself so I can have something to do every day. They aren’t really keen on giving me much else to do while we’re focused on a particular busy season for application review (which is what I’m doing). However, I think after the second round of review is over, I’ll bug them for more projects to do for my last couple of months here.

My team lead has been really helpful and awesome. I have learned a lot from him, though I’ve never actually met him in person. He works from home full time. He actually is what prompted this post, but before I get to why, I wanted to write about what caused the reaction I had to something he sent me.

I said in a previous post that my mother would often compare my brother and me. How I often lived in my brother’s shadow and felt like I would never measure up. I also said in that post that I felt like a late bloomer and that I no longer felt mediocre because I’ve had many successes that I’m proud of over the last decade. However, it doesn’t mean that I don’t often second guess myself, my abilities, my decisions, and my future. This past year with the PMF program has been really challenging. I’ve faced things I haven’t done before and, while I will admit I was overwhelmed at first, I feel I have risen to the task. But even while being proud of myself and what I’ve accomplished, I still need validation. When your childhood was spent being compared and overshadowed, I suppose second guessing becomes second nature.

So, that’s why, when I expressed concern to my team lead that I was overthinking or over-commenting on my contracts, his response really touched me. He first sent me an email thanking me for my thoroughness and my organization. I wrote back my concern about being too much of an overthinker. His response: “You’re a rock star. Don’t change a thing. J”

And I burst into tears. I think, sometimes, the thing that hurts the most about the fact that I lost my mom is that I’ve never felt like I was able to prove to her that, while I may not be as smart or accomplished as my siblings, I have accomplished things in life. I’m smart and successful in my own way and, yes, it took me longer to get there, but I’m here, now. I think the thing I need more often than I’d like to admit is external validation. I’m proud of myself, but there’s something about hearing it from someone you respect that just makes a difference. Even with the encouragement and validation from past managers, I still cannot seem to escape the tone of my mother’s voice that implied I’m not good enough. That I will NEVER be good enough.

I read a post on Quora where a mother asked if it was bad that she severely punished her daughter for getting a “B.” A “B”! My mother never punished me for a “B,” but she would always pester me about raising it to an “A.” It’s amazing to me because my daughter has a learning disability. She struggled throughout 5^th grade and we barely made it over the finish line to graduation. She’s doing better in middle school, but she still struggles sometimes. I’ve never punished her for her grades because I don’t think that’s fair. I know she’s trying her best and I know it’s really hard for her. I don’t want her to grow up thinking she’s stupid or mediocre. I want her to know that I believe in her and I will support her. We’ve worked with the school to come up with accommodations that help her to succeed and I want her to know that her accomplishments matter. She’s an only child, so there’s no real way to compare her to someone else, but I wouldn’t do it anyway.

I think that’s a problem with parenting: expectations. Whether it’s that your kids will be straight “A” students, the star of the football team, or follow into the business you built, we’re failing our kids with expecting them to live up to our expectations. It’s one thing to expect your kid to follow rules, but it’s another to expect them to follow in your footsteps. I want my daughter to find her own way. I’ve set up a college fund for her, but if she opts to go a different way in life, I want to support her. She’s already talking about going to college online, and while a part of me hopes she’ll change her mind and get the full “college experience,” another part of me is OK with that. It’s what I did! She’ll also likely have a lot of programs to choose from by then because online education is really taking over the nation.

Thankfully, I was working from home today, so no one was a witness to the reaction I had to the positive feedback from my team lead. He’ll never know what a profound impact his words had on me, but I will and I will always be grateful for that. Hopefully one day in the future, I will be able to return the favor or, at least, pay it forward.

Just going to leave this here....

Captain Awkward tackled an interesting question recently: "how to be fine with not getting married?" I think she made some amazing points:

"Marriage is a way of formalizing and legalizing family ties. It cements certain obligations and offers certain protections that – depending on where you live, and depending on who you love – cannot be easily acquired any other way."

"Do my fellow straight people understand what can happen when these protections are not available? Do you understand how quickly you could be erased from someone’s life by these “mere” formalities, if your partner’s feelings about you change someday, or if they get sick or die and the whims/prejudices/greed of their family of origin or the state decide that you don’t matter, that your relationship isn’t “real” enough?"

But especially this one: "For the “marriage isn’t a big deal, it’s just a piece of paper” crowd, my usual question is: If it’s not a big deal to you, and it is a big deal to your partner, why not go through with this “trivial,” “silly,” “meaningless” “piece of paper” to make the person you love happy? Why is the person who thinks it’s important the one who has to compromise?

In the sputtering that follows, usually what we discover is that it IS a pretty fucking big deal (and that’s why they don’t want to do it)."

When I was dealing with the Greek and he kept making me feel like my desire to be married was stupid and some sort of societal pressure instead of something I actually wanted for me, I remember trying to point out that, if marriage was so pointless, why was he fighting so hard for LGBT marital rights? I pointed out that I wanted to get married for many of the same protections that this movement was fighting for. Captain Awkward put it so much better than any of my frustrated arguments ever could. And she's right, this is a major incompatibility between people. It's fine if someone doesn't want to get married, but it's not wrong or stupid if another person does. As she says in that last part, why is it always the person who thinks it is important the one who has to compromise and the one who gets shamed for "giving up a good thing" if they decide marriage is more important than a current relationship.

In the end, I did get married, and it was well worth it. 

The Difference of a Decade

****I wrote this back in August, and am just now getting around to posting it.****

For many years, I maintained an online journal. I began it as a way to just share my day-to-day shenanigans with close friends and a few internet acquaintances that quickly became friends. Since its inception, it has gone from a daily journal to a lifeline to my memory bank. Every once in a while, particularly on a slow day at work, I will do what I call “on this day in history,” which is where I look back on entries throughout the years on or around whatever day it is. It’s kind of like Facebook’s “memories” feature, except it involves a lot more work, and there’s no share feature. For instance, last week, while bored at work, I looked up days around August 3^rd.

As I was looking through my memories, I came across a series of posts describing my return home. This was after my first husband and I had separated, and I had returned to live with my father and try to rebuild my life. I should note that before I met my ex-husband, I had been doing fairly well in life. I had a good job, I was buying my first house, and I was going to school. During and after our relationship, my life really hit rock bottom.

At the time of those entries, written exactly 10 years prior, I was returning home with my tail between my legs. I was broke, unemployed, newly single, and with a baby to raise on my own. I was forced to move in with my father for the second time of my adult life. Re-reading those entries was painful, remembering all of the things I felt and worried about during that time.

However, as I read them, I was able to look at them with the perspective and hindsight provided by a decade of time passage. I was able to compare my current self to my past self and, in that moment, I truly grasped the accomplishments I have made. Ten years ago, I was a broken, vulnerable young women, unsure of how I would ever support myself, let alone the tiny baby I brought into this world. I was in despair, but I didn’t give up. Six months after moving home, I found a part time job with the government that allowed me to finish my degree. Two years later, I was almost done with my Bachelor’s degree and was promoted to full time. Step by step, year by year, I was able to rebuild my life, but it was a slow process. Oftentimes, I felt I would go two steps forward, 5 steps back, but I still kept progressing, even if it felt infinitesimal. Setbacks included car troubles that increased my debt, relationships that I thought would last forever that instead ended, and difficulties improving my economic status due to too few raises.

Nevertheless, in 10 years, I managed to earn 3 degrees; move my way up through state government to manage a small unit; successfully compete for a highly competitive fellowship; and marry the man I was meant to. I’m both amazed and humbled by not only my achievements, but also by the individuals who helped me along the way.

One of those people is my daughter. She often asks me if she was a mistake. I tell her every time, with 100% conviction that she was not a mistake. In fact, I don’t believe I would be where I am today if it wasn’t for her. Every parent discusses how their child was the best thing to ever happen to them, but for me, my daughter was the catalyst that caused me to value my own life. I left her father because, at the time, I felt that even though I didn’t think I deserved better, I knew she did. However, in the process of trying to give her a better life and to become more of a role model for her, I’ve found a new lease on life. I still suffer from depression, but I’ve found the resilience, accountability, and emotional maturity I’ve gained in the last decade to be a source of strength during the darker days. While I often wish that she had come into my life under different circumstances, I hope the last decade of watching me struggle forward has not left scars on her childhood and instead provides her hope and strength of her own.

I don’t expect the next 10 years, and beyond, to be all roses and happiness. However, I believe that the lessons I’ve learned in the past decade and the struggles I’ve faced have better prepared me for whatever may lie ahead. I’m not 100% sure where my path is leading me, but I hope to never stagnate and instead embrace whatever lessons or experiences await. I’m definitely much more of an optimist than I was 10 years ago, and for that, I am thankful.