Wednesday, June 4, 2014

In Loving Memory

Derricks’ father passed away last Thursday. Since we aren’t friends anymore on facebook (or anywhere else for that matter), a mutual friend told me. Then my sister asked me about it and then my best friend followed suit. On the one hand, I’m not sure if they were just trying to figure out what was going on and for some reason thought I would know, but on the other hand, having the constant reminders throughout the day was hard to deal with. I don’t know what happened. The obituary simply said he died at home and that the funeral was this weekend.

I’m not going to the funeral. Things ended on such a sour note, I wouldn’t feel comfortable attending and since I found out secondhand, I would feel weird to just show up. But I did send flowers to the funeral home. I feel for Derrick and his family. Losing a parent is a really difficult thing to go through, especially when it sounds like it was sudden and unexpected. When my mom died, I was able to at least say my goodbyes and try to make amends in our relationship, but obviously we didn’t fix everything. I’ve been asked if I’m going to contact Derrick directly to offer my condolences, but again, I don’t feel comfortable doing that. I can send my condolences to the family as a whole and let that be it. On the one hand, I feel like I should do something more because I did get close with his family as we were together for so long, but at the same time, my discomfort stems a lot from the residual anger I’m dealing with towards Derrick and I just can’t bring myself to put forth more effort. I don’t know if he tried to contact me to let me know what had happened because I’ve blocked him on everything, but my assumption is that he did not. He was always rather private about his grief and I imagine he wouldn’t reach out to me now, with all that happened.

In other news, the Greek has aggravated me once again. Why he has to always try to have “closure” or whatever his motivation is, I don’t know, but it does more damage than good. We briefly emailed during May because I had sent him a forward from a place we had discussed going to before everything went to hell, and while I had no intention of going with him, I didn’t see why he couldn’t enjoy going with someone else. The emails were pleasant, though not very in depth and after the last one he sent me in mid-May, I felt like there was no further need for response on my part and I was happy to just let it fade into the past. I felt better about things, I could tell that he had finally moved on and I was happy that we had ended on a less estranged note.

Two weeks later, I get another email from him. I had not responded to his last email, as I said I saw no reason to. In this email, he tells me that he cannot be friends with me because it will cause “tension” in my “current” relationship. Love the word choice there. I feel this was an unnecessary email, and I do not understand his fixation for getting the last word, especially since he already had the last word as I hadn’t responded to his last email. The tone of the email came off as very condescending, partly because of his word choice in “current” and also because of his assumption that he had the power to cause tension in my love life, as if Eric was or ever would be threatened by him. I don’t think he ever fully understood that Eric’s issues with him had nothing to do with a feeling of being threatened or jealous, but with the way he treated me: his lack of respect for my feelings and my decisions. It also irritated me that he felt he needed to spell things out for me for how his life was going, as if I couldn’t read between the lines on what was going on. The entire reason I didn’t respond to his first last email was because I didn’t see a point to, it was clear to me that he had moved on and was happy, and my purpose in sharing with him a deal on the local restaurant had been accomplished.

I wish I had blocked him after the last email so that I could have maintained the pleasant feelings I felt towards him, but still confirmed to myself that I would not be communicating any further. A part of me wanted to respond to this email (though he claimed he wasn’t looking for a response, Eric called bullshit on that one), but in the event a response or reaction was what he hoped for, I refused to give him the satisfaction and have since blocked him from all forms of contact.  I just do not understand why he always has to do this. When I stopped texting him back, he would send me text messages “explaining” his feelings one more time, and that is similar to what this email has done. I feel like he thinks I’m stupid or something and that he has to spell it out so I get it. I suppose that is why I call it condescending, because I feel like a child who has to have something simplified for them. I don’t’ need “closure” or everything spelled out in a organized email. One of my good friends told me that I shouldn’t have forwarded him the thing in the first place and I admit that I questioned whether it was the right thing to do, but I love the place and try to garner business for it when I can, so I thought it was a win/win: garner business while giving that new business a financial break. I suppose the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Otherwise, life is getting better, Eric’s busy season is almost over and soon our lives will go back to normal again. I’m really looking forward to summer!

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