I find myself facing a turbulent time. First, my job is impacted by the recent election. While I'd prefer not to say how for anonymity's sake, it's enough that I'm concerned. I started looking for a new one, but my heart isn't in it. Except for very early in my career, I've mostly moved on from jobs of my own accord, when I was ready to leave. I love my job. I love the people I work with... One of them perhaps more than I should, but I've maintained a professional distance. "Admiring from afar" if you will, as he lives in a different state and I've only met him IRL twice.
Anyway, last year, I realized how much I love my job when my division split. I took it especially hard. I already have issues with change, and that's even when I'm the one orchestrating the change. Last year was different. I was completely blindsided. Since then, things have gotten better. I adjusted. The person mentioned above returned to my division, which was a blessing and a curse. A blessing because, besides my romantic feelings, I do really just enjoy working with him. And a curse because, well, I might have gotten over my crush if we didn't work so closely anymore.
All of that may not matter if I lose my job. There have been some assurances from higher ups about my specific area, that we may not be subject to the same cuts as other places. But nobody can make any promises and so I'm left in a state of limbo... waiting for the proverbial ax to fall.
To make matters more complicated, and stressful, the job market is highly competitive and with all the cuts going on, it's only going to get more so. Eric isn't helping things because he just keeps telling me to get a new job, basically any job, that has more security than my current one. His philosophy is that if I can get out of the current situation, I can continue to look for something I really want. But it's not that simple. And I'm 41. I don't want to do the job hopping I did in my late 20's and early 30's. I've been in my position for over 3 years and, for once, I'm not ready to jump ship. Usually 3 years is my limit, where I start looking for a change, but this time is different. I'm happy. And I can't tell you how hard I've searched for a job where I'm happy.
Ironically, where I'm not happy is with Eric. Beyond his complete lack of understanding about how difficult the job market is, he's also completely oblivious to how different our situations are. He's up for a promotion that he's ambivalent about. We've had so many fights about his job and how much of his time it takes up. This promotion has the potential to alleviate some of his stress, but he's not sure it's work he wants to do. Meanwhile, it's perfectly fine for me to just take whatever I can find, but not him, I guess. Oh, but that's not even true because some of the jobs I've found involve huge pay cuts and well, that would impact our current lifestyle, so he's vetoed those as well.
For those keeping score at home, that means I need to find a new job making roughly what I'm making now asap with little to no impact to him and no real concern with whether it's something I want to do. This situation has quickly become the final straw for me in a relationship that may have run its course. I feel like for the past 5 years, I've just been going through the motions, ignoring the glaring red flags because we were comfortable. But things have just been steadily declining.
To make matters worse, my daughter has basically held a mirror up to my relationship in recent weeks. Now that she's almost an adult, she feels a lot more comfortable telling me the cracks she's seen for years. While she's not encouraging me to leave, she is forcing me to face realities I was happy to just ignore.
So, I find myself at multiple crossroads. The job one may be decided for me if cuts do come down to my organization. But if I don't voluntarily choose to leave, that may cause more issues in my relationship. At this time, I don't know what I want to do there. On the one hand, as one of my coworkers said to me today, there is something about the economic security that it provides for both Eric and I. On the other hand, the romantic/idealist side of me doesn't feel that's enough of a reason to stay where I'm not happy.
Of course, a part of me is also worried this is some sort of mid-life crisis, especially since my daughter just started college. I don't want to make any rash decisions, either about my marriage or the job situation. At the same time, I may not have much of a choice on the one.
Clearly, I have a lot to consider, and the best way for me to work through it all is to write it down. I don't know if I'll continue to pour it all out here, but I definitely need to get it out somewhere.
