Celebrate Love

My sister got married this past weekend. This is significant because both of my siblings are gay and my sister is the first lesbian to marry in our family. It is also significant because her wife was one of the ones leading the fight for marriage equality, so she essentially made their wedding day possible.

It was a beautiful ceremony and reception. The brides are from Texas and Maryland respectively, so they decided to combine cultures around the theme of “boots and boat shoes.” Much of the décor was nautically related, but the band was a Texas inspired country band, complete with cowboy outfits. They were married on a lovely waterfront property way down in Southern Maryland, and the reception was held in a newly built barn. The reception was a little cramped for my tastes, as it was a bit difficult to get around, but not impossible.

The most poignant moment for me was when they had a reading of the Oberfell v Hodges, the case that transformed “gay marriage” into simply “marriage.” It was a beautifully written opinion and it truly pointed to the hard work and dedication my new sister-in-law had put forth into bringing this right around to her and my sister. It was more appropriate for their wedding than any bible reading ever could be, though they had a few of those as well.

My brother, as I said, is also gay and he actually brought a date to the wedding as well. While it’s a bit too early in their relationship to contemplate whether we’ll have another wedding in the near future (and honestly, after my own wedding and my sister’s, I’m a little “weddinged” out), it was still amazing to see my brother so proudly “out” to our family. For the longest time, it was something that was known, but not spoken about. My father was less than thrilled when Kevin first told us, though my father was much more open to my sister and her wife when they first came out to him. But my father sat comfortably at a table with not only my brother and his date, but also my uncle and his husband, someone he used to detest when I was growing up. I am so proud of how far my family has come in accepting my siblings for not only who they truly are, but also who they love.

To me, the fight for marriage equality has always been about love. We should not define who gets to officially declare their love for someone and who does not. I hope that the fight for equality will continue to other non-traditional relationships who want the right to marry the ones they love.

“The history of marriage is one of both continuity and change. Changes, such as the decline of arranged marriages and the abandonment of the law of coverture, have worked deep transformations in the structure of marriage, affecting aspects of marriage once viewed as essential. These new insights have strengthened, not weakened, the institution. Changed understandings of marriage are characteristic of a Nation where new dimensions of freedom become apparent to new generations.” Oberfell v Hodges135 S. Ct. 2584 (2015)

I gotta go back, back, back to school....again!

So, after working at the new agency, same position for the last 4 months, I have come to the conclusion that I made a mistake. There are some lifestyle pros: I don't have to wait for public transit anymore which is nice when it is raining and I can just jump right in my car and crank up the heat; my commute is shorter without the additional train ride and if I leave later than I plan, I still make it to work on time since I'm not working with a train schedule; the building is lovely and I feel more comfortable walking around than I did in the city; and my husband is just down the road if I need him.

The job itself; however, sucks. I'm back to being a glorified secretary in the title of a paralegal. They don't give me anything substantial to do, and then when I do some menial task, they gush about how "fast" and "smart" I am. Apparently the person who was in this position before me (when it was a legal secretary position, they requested the position be upgraded to paralegal after she left) was not very good and they had issues getting her to accomplish simple tasks. I understand why they decided to upgrade the position, but I still think it's false advertising. I did not go to school to create envelopes, answer phones, and make copies. The most "paralegal-esque" thing I do is put together filings. I managed to badger one attorney into letting me help her with discovery, but even she seemed reluctant. When I started we had a law clerk who got most of the research projects, stuff I used to do on the regular at my old position. He got a paying gig after a month of working here, but oddly none of his research projects ever made their way to my desk. It's frustrating.

Since I don't want to leave here before I've at least hit a year, I started thinking about what I could do to fill in the time normally spent twiddling my thumbs and waiting for something worthwhile to do. I started researching grad school programs. I flirted briefly with the idea of going back to my first love of writing and getting an MFA in Creative Writing, but then I realized that while that would be good for my spirit, it wouldn't do my career much good. So, instead, I opted to pursue a Master's in Public Administration and Policy. It's basically the civil servant's version of an MBA, and is a path to working as a high ranking government official without shelling out tons of money, time and aggravation to law school. I've already seen multiple state positions requesting a Masters in Public Policy or Administration, and I'm happy to have found a school that allows me to do both. It's an online course, which works well with my schedule, and it's at a college nearby, so if I need to use any of their resources on campus, I'm able to. The college created a hybrid course of their on campus MPA and MPP programs and it's in the top 10 programs for this degree field. It's expensive, but still cheaper than law school and I've already figured out a game plan to pay for it. I start May 2nd. It's a 2 year program and I'm hoping that I'll be able to find a better paying job pretty quickly after I complete it. I'm glad to be going back to school and getting more education as well as pursuing a new career path!

It does put a damper on the baby plan though. We had decided to push it back until January of next year, and then when I started applying to the master's program, we talked about pushing it back to next fall which would allow me to be pregnant my last year in the program and have the baby soon after graduating. This way, I wouldn't have to put kiddo in daycare for the summer and I'd have her help with the baby while Eric is at work. There's always a chance we won't be able to have a baby, but the plan for now is to start trying next fall.

All that said, I have to admit I've already started looking at what's available job wise with the state and with nearby county governments. I don't want to leave the state if I can help it, but I just can't imagine being stuck in this position for the next 2 years. If I have to, I'll do it, but I'm hoping to avoid it if I can help it.

Married and Loving It!

It has been months since my last post, and I can only say that life got really busy in the weeks leading up to the wedding. Before I get into wedding talk, I have news! Eric got a new job and finally escaped the boss he couldn’t stand to work for anymore. He started his job in mid-September and has been enjoying the new place. Around the time he started, I got a phone call from one of the positions I had interviewed for back in June. Apparently the person they hired decided to be a stay at home mom, and was leaving and since we scored only a point apart, they wanted to see if I was still interested. Then they spent about a month stringing me along, in which time, the OTHER position I interviewed for in June called and offered me a position. It seems they had been waiting all this time for their HR department to approve their choices and that is why I never heard from them.

So, I had a choice to make. The position that was stringing me along was the position in the city that offered a higher salary, and the position out of the city was a lateral move. In the end, I chose the position out of the city because it was better for my family. The daycare attached to the building was a huge selling point for our plans for a baby next fall, and while I wouldn’t have minded an increase in salary, it wasn’t enough to make me want to continue commuting to the city for the foreseeable future. My last day at my current job is November 10^th and then I start at the new place on the 12^th since we’re closed the 11^th.

On to the wedding! It went so well! My sister’s fiancée was such a huge help with setting up and making sure everything ran smoothly. She really did an amazing job with my vision (and continuously told me to stop doing things and just relax for my big day). She had a lot of help from my brother and some of the rest of the bridal party as well. It was just such an amazing day! Everything came together in the end and while there were some bumps leading up to the day (such as not loving the officiant Eric chose for us, dealing with our former photographer, and then changing the location of the ceremony last minute due to weather concerns), but in the end it turned out beautifully. We ended up having the ceremony right outside the pavilion because it was rather chilly the day of and while it didn’t rain, having it at the waterfront just seemed like it wouldn’t go over well for our guests. I’m so glad we rented patio heaters and had space heaters in the pavilion because otherwise it might have been too cold.

I am also so happy we switched photographers! The one we chose was such a joy to work with and she even offered to do a special project for me. I had asked for a picture of me looking at a photo of my mom at the wedding (which now that I think about it, we never got to), but she said she could photoshop a photo of my mom into a picture with me in my dress. She’s sent me a sample of what she’s trying to do and I love it. It looks realistic and makes me feel like my mom was with us in spirit on that special day. Kiddo and I did a special dance to honor my mom and the photos I’ve seen so far from friends of that are so special to me.

Now that the weddings over, I’m trying to catch up on sleep! We were so exhausted by the time it was all over that we really just spent our days off afterwards just hanging out around the house. Our honeymoon is not until December and thanks to my father, it’s still on! Kiddo’s dad is getting a divorce and he told me he didn’t have the leave to take a significant amount of time off to take her for holidays. I negotiated with him to take off a day at Christmas time to take her the night before New Year’s Eve and my father offered to take her from the night before we leave for our honeymoon until her father can get her. So we can still go on our honeymoon! We’re so excited for it and desperately need the time off and away! We’re going to Isla Mujeres, Mexico for 5 days. They keep changing our flight plan to extend our stay. Our flight leaves at 6 in the morning, which we’re not thrilled about, but hopefully we can catch some sleep on the plane. Then on the way home, we were supposed to leave at 2:30, but they just changed it to 6 pm, so now we’re planning a half day excursion to Tulum before we go to the airport. We’re also planning on going to swim with the dolphins while we’re there, which should be loads of fun! The rest of the time, we plan to just relax, explore the island and hang out on the beach. We didn’t want to plan a bunch of things to do because we know that the main thing we need is just some R&R.

I’m happy to be married and so happy that the wedding is over! Hopefully I’ll have more time to post once I settle in to my new job!

Wedding...bliss?

We’re getting closer. I think my wedding website and my registries are going by different cutoff dates because some say it’s 52 days away and some say 53. At any rate, we’re under 2 months at this point. And of course, the drama has decided to ramp itself up. I don’t think I mentioned this, but we actually fired a wedding vendor back in early May. We had hired a photographer who I knew from high school and after a few red flags; we started to wonder if she would actually show up for the wedding. So, we decided to find someone else and we were successful in finding someone around the same price as the old photographer, but who actually had things like reviews, a contract, and a back-up plan.

Unfortunately, in an effort to not have a huge lump sum to pay in July, I had been paying this photographer by a payment plan, paying her around $50-60 a month towards the final balance. I had given her a deposit last August and when we went to ask for a refund of the additional funds I had paid her, we found that what we thought was a contract was really nothing more than an agreement to the payment plan. She agreed to refund only a small fraction of what we had paid, even though most vendors use the deposit against any loss of business. I didn’t ask for that back because I figured it was nonrefundable, but I still feel I am entitled to the additional money I’ve paid back since she’s no longer providing a service and she likely  has already booked my wedding date anyway. (She does these small family sessions in the fall and posted on her facebook page that she had booked a lot of dates in October, so odds are, she’s rebooked the date and if she does even 4 family sessions, she should more than cover what I paid her initially).

At this point, I’ll be lucky if I can get even the amount she agreed to pay back. She paid half of it in July and then kept promising a new check would be coming soon with the rest. I finally got that last week and deposited it. It bounced. She was rather rude and not very apologetic. I asked for a money order since you have to have the money up front to buy one of those, but I think she’s just having her bank reissue it. I’m not pleased. I got charged a fee from her negligence and after everything else I’ve been dealing with, I’m pretty fed up. Frankly, I half hope she doesn’t reissue the check so I have even more reason to take her to small claims court. She’s basically built my case for me. At the very least, I plan to post reviews for her everywhere, especially since she has blocked reviews on her facebook page and does not have any reviews on the regular sites.

We’ve heard back from Eric’s parents that some relatives would like to shop off registry for the wedding. Specifically, they asked if they could get us a grill. We have a grill because Eric’s parents gave us their old one when they moved to Florida. We rarely use it, since I’m the cook and I’m not a huge fan of an open flame, and he really wants a big green egg anyway. I have about 100 items on the three places we’re registered at combined, but the thing is, we really don’t need anything. We have a full kitchen, though I did add some upgrades, we have a fully furnished house, and we don’t have a lot of room for extra stuff because our house isn’t that big. I’d prefer money, especially towards the honeymoon, but I know many people prefer to give a physical gift and that’s fine. However, going off registry is just likely to bring us something we don’t need or want. I know that sounds ungrateful, but we truly just do not have the room for a lot of things and many of the things on the registry are replacements for things we have, but could upgrade.

In happier news, everything is officially booked, including the limo. I don’t think the lady I spoke with at the limo place fully understood what I wanted, but I think it’ll be easier to explain it to the driver when I am picked up from the hotel. Now it’s just a matter of paying for everything and buying décor.

On the one hand, I’m glad we had such a long engagement as it has given us time to really plan out what we want and save money, not to mention the added benefit of having extra time with each other before it’s legally binding to make sure this is what we both really want! On the other hand, I’m so tired of planning this wedding that I’m to the point of just wanting it to be over. I want to have some disposable income again, even if it’s just $20, but for the foreseeable future, all my funds are tied up in wedding expenses and regular bills. 

Double Digits

Last week, we hit 100 days out til the wedding, which means we’re down to double digits in the countdown! Eric *finally* booked an appointment to get tuxes for himself and his groomsmen. I have an appointment tomorrow to have my dress altered, and the alterations are probably going to cost as much as the dress! But since the dress was something I bought on amazon.com, I’m not really that worried about it. They might not be as high as I was initially quoted since I have a modesty panel, just need it to be put on the dress (hopefully with buttons) and I’m not sure if I’m going to have her do the embellishments on my veil or if I’ll do them myself.

My wedding ring came in, though it needs some alterations of its own as it doesn’t quite fit around my engagement ring like it’s supposed to. Eric’s ring should be here today and then we’ll take them to a local jeweler for adjustments. I’m also hoping to book the limo by the end of the month, and that will pretty much be the last thing to book. Then it’s just a matter of finalizing details and paying for everything. We had a meeting with a wedding planner, but she forgot and didn’t show up. So, now we’ve asked my sister’s girlfriend to take care of that. I’m expecting that the caterer and DJ will coordinate most of the reception, so really we’ll only need my sister’s girlfriend to help with the ceremony.

I thought I had successfully avoided the bridal shower question as we had moved within 6 months of the wedding and my sister hadn’t brought it up. Eric’s sister has brought it up before, but I’ve managed to wave her off for the most part. But then, my sister asked about it last month. I told her I didn’t really want/need one since I’m struggling to pad the registry with items as is (as I know some of my relatives prefer to give stuff as opposed to money). I’d prefer money, especially to help pay for some of the excursions we’ve been looking at for the honeymoon, but I also didn’t want to not have anything on the registry and have people try to buy something we already have. My sister suggested I could upgrade things, but I’ve already done that and my registry is still not up to par with what the wedding websites suggest (which is basically a gift per guest so everyone has choices). If I have a shower before the wedding, I’m afraid that will further deplete it to where people won’t have enough choices to buy gifts for the wedding (if they want to, I’m not expecting people to buy us things, but I know that it’s customary and people like to have options). I suggested if she really wanted to have a shower that she could have a honeymoon themed one, which would possibly encourage people to contribute to the honeymoon (either through just giving money or buying things we’d use on our honeymoon…like luggage, travel sized items, beach stuff, etc). She had suggested that I could have a joint shower with my cousin’s fiancé (they are getting married the weekend before we are), but I barely know her and after spending some time at a birthday party with her this past weekend, I’m not sure either of us would be comfortable with that arrangement. So, I’m hoping that if she insists I have to have a shower, she takes my honeymoon idea into consideration. Our honeymoon is paid for as far as the hotel and flight, but we still have to book airport transportation and we’re looking at a couple of excursions while in Mexico.

I’m so excited for the honeymoon, I’ve found many days where I’m just mentally over the wedding and ready to move on to the next best thing. The island is beautiful and so many places there have facebook pages filled with breathtakingly beautiful images that I seem to change my cover photo once a week instead of once a month! We’re definitely planning on swimming with the dolphins and we had talked about a day trip to the Chichen Itza Mayan ruins, but since it would literally take an entire day to do that, we’ve been leaning towards not. Last week, I found a tour to a ruin site in Tulum which can be done in a half day and is still on the water, so I’m thinking if we do any Mayan ruins (aside from the few on the island itself), that would be the best option. We’re only there for 3 full days and two half days, so I think it would be wise to not devote an entire day to an excursion. I’m fine with doing an excursion a day though and I could see going to swim with the dolphins one day, go to Contoy Island (a wildlife preserve) another day and then Tulum as well. Each of these excursions only takes a few hours, so we’d be able to just relax and explore the island the rest of the time. We’re hoping to book all our excursions after the wedding since we’ll still have a couple of months before we go. I just need to get off my butt and put aside some funds to renew my passport since it just expired in March. Hopefully I can get that done this month so I’ll have plenty of time to get it back before we head out!

I didn’t get either position I interviewed for, but in some ways I think that’s a good thing. I’ve been working on a huge project at work for most of the year and it looks like it may last at least until the end of the year, so it’s good I’m not leaving in the middle of it. I will continue to look and see if I can’t find something closer to home and hopefully I’ll find something by next summer.

Lonely vs. Alone

Somebody recently posted a meme on facebook that had questions you were supposed to ask your husband/boyfriend without any prior notice. I asked Eric the questions last night so I could post my own version of it. Most of his answers were fairly expected, but one answer struck me as really odd. The question was something like “What is your girlfriend/wife not good at?” And Eric said being alone. He didn’t say being alone as in being single, which I could have understood based on my serial monogamy. Instead he focused on being alone as in being home alone. This surprised me for a lot of reasons, one of which is that I actually relish the times I’m in the house by myself. I get so much done! And every year I go to the beach in the middle of winter just to escape the crowds and have some solitary time to think and recuperate.

His answer was even more ironic to me since I just spent the last 6 weeks basically alone every evening and most of the weekends, particularly after my daughter went to bed. He was in the midst of budget, and that kept him out of the house until rather late in the evenings. On the weekends, he was also gone for at least a few hours both days. During that time, while I missed him, I was never without some project or something to entertain me until he came back. I created the wedding bouquets for myself and my bridesmaids (silk flowers), I created a leaf wreath for one window of our venue and I intend to make two more before the end of the summer, I worked on the invitations, and I planned my daughter’s birthday party.

It just struck me as so odd because I am much more typically the one alone than he is. He has fencing, game night and MtG tournaments that he does regularly or semi-regularly (although I made him promise to not sign up for anymore tournaments until after the wedding). As depressing as this is going to sound, I spend most of my time home when I’m not working. I don’t have hobbies outside of the home, mainly because I’ve been a single mom for so long it’s hard to break old habits now that I *could* conceivably join a class or meet up with girlfriends on a weeknight. I also don’t really have the money to pursue anything class related right now and one of the things I’d love to do (community theatre) is such a huge time commitment, particularly once you get closer to opening night, that I just can’t imagine participating in it right now.

But I assume what he’s referring to is the depression I can get when I’m home alone and have no set schedule. This happened when he went to GenCon last year and my daughter spent a long weekend with her father. I was alone and still suffering some serious ill effects from the Mirena. I had a major depressive episode and I had to force myself to follow through on plans I had made for myself, like going to the beach for the day. In the end, I managed to get out of the house and get to the beach, and I was glad I went because I had such a good day in the sun. But it took effort, and it was hard to be alone at that time. However, that’s not so much a problem of me struggling to be alone; it’s more an ongoing battle with depression I will probably fight for the rest of my life. Spoiler alert: it helps significantly to have something to look forward to; it’s why I’m such a huge planner.

If I had answered the question, I would have pointed out that I have issues putting myself out there socially. I’ve become more and more introverted over the years to the point where I sometimes wonder if I’m going to end up like Emily Dickinson. I’m not good at making new friends. I avoid most social outings except with my nearest and dearest. We threw my daughter a birthday party this weekend and I was happy to have so much to do with the kids that I didn’t have to try to make small talk with the adults. The only adults I really spoke to were family members. I relish the furthering of technology to the point where I don’t have to talk to people in many social situations now: I can do a self checkout at the grocery store, order delivery online, and even prepare mail all with technology. Technology has definitely made the world so much easier for introverts. So, to me, I’ve got being alone down to a science. It’s the socializing and interacting with my fellow humans that needs work.

Four Months

We are T-minus 4 months to the wedding, give or take a few days. I feel like we’re pretty much set. Eric needs to get his groomsmen and himself tuxes, we still need to book a limo and we fired our photographer. We have a new one, but the old one had me really paranoid that she wouldn’t show. She postponed our engagement pictures the week of for a family emergency and then posted photos of her and her kids playing at a park. There were a few other red flags, and after going to a bridal event in April, Eric and I made the decision to cut her.

I think Eric’s mom is feeling a little left out of the wedding planning. I didn’t really think to include her since my own mother is deceased and my father is not very involved in my life. He’ll show up and walk me down the aisle (I’ve confirmed this), but we aren’t at all close. The problem is that Eric’s parents moved to Florida, so involving them in the planning just never occurred to me since, like my own father, they weren’t really local anymore. My father still technically has a house in the state, but he spends the majority of his time either working or down at his beach house with his fiancé. So, it just made sense that Eric and I were on our own with the planning. However, the few times we’ve talked to his mom about the wedding, she asks what she can do to help and sadly, there really isn’t anything left.

The scale is finally being my friend again. I had a few ups and downs earlier this year, but I’ve finally figured out a game plan that seems to be working. I walk every day after work. Now that the kidlet is old enough to spend a bit of time in the house by herself by law, I can go for walks. We got her a cell phone for her birthday, nothing major, just a month to month plan with no contract and a simple phone that she can use in emergencies. So, every day after work I walk our neighborhood. I feel safer there than at my job. My goal is to lose at least 15 more pounds by the wedding and be back at my pre-Mirena weight. It would be awesome if I could lose 20 pounds, but I’m hoping to get beyond that by the honeymoon. We’re planning on trying for a baby within the first year of marriage, so I’d like to be at a healthy starting weight this time and not gain as much as I did last time.

I also am playing around with the idea of getting a new job. I had an interview down near where my fiancé works last week and I have another one in the city this Friday. The one out of the city is a lateral move and the one in the city is two grades higher than I currently am. The goal is to get out of the city, but if I get offered the higher grade, I may put up with it for a while longer just so I can increase my earnings. It’d be nice to close the gap between Eric’s salary and mine a little. With all the issues we’ve had in the city lately between rioting, stabbings, and the general crime rate we always seem to have, I’m more than ready to get out of here. The place I interviewed out of the city is in a beautiful building with a daycare center attached, so I could take the baby there and nurse on breaks plus I might be able to sign Denise up for a summer program. I love my job and there are things I would miss about it, but I really would love to just get out of the city and be able to drive my own car to work every day instead of relying on public transportation. The hours would be the same as I have now, so that was a huge relief to hear. I’m not sure what they would be at the in city job, but that will certainly factor into my decision as well. I just don’t want to be pregnant here.