Anxiety Rollercoaster

 I believe I mentioned over the summer that I had enrolled in a MFA program for creative writing in fiction. I had actually applied to three programs and was accepted to all of them, but went with my first choice. So far, the program has been wonderful, and I've made a lot of progress on my novel.

Actually, I've made more than just a lot of progress. I participated in the National Novel Writing Month and finished my book last year. My program requires me to make regular submissions to either a workshop or tutorial instructor of between 8-25 pages, so I've been steadily submitting a chapter per submission. I just submitted chapter 7 last month and I've gotten some really helpful feedback.

We just had a residency, which was virtual due to covid, and during that time, my tutorial instructor/program director started talking to me about doing an accelerated thesis. His reasoning was that he wanted me to get the most out of the program and by doing the accelerated thesis, I could move forward with getting my book to agents and eventually publishers much sooner than going the normal route. 

Because I am an overthinker, I had millions of questions and we walked through the all during phone calls and through emails. I finally pulled the trigger and said let's do it. After confirming a thesis advisor and notifying the admin that I needed to update my plan, he tells me that it's too early in my program to do the thesis. Instead, he offers another program that they have which earns credits towards the MFA.

Again, I have a multitude of questions, and I'm awaiting his response to those, but talk about an emotional and anxious rollercoaster. This all came to a head on Friday when I was already going back and forth with my boss on my performance review. Since I was converting from a PMF to a normal employee, my supervisor had created a plan for the lower pay scale level I was at before conversion, with the intention of creating a new plan once I reached the upper level. He had given me an outstanding initially, but downgraded it to essentially "exceeds standards" because he felt that, as it is my first year at the higher pay level, it wouldn't make sense to give an outstanding. This is not a problem, it's still a good review, but it did bruise my ego a bit to be downgraded. I had been earning "outstanding" reviews at the state, but have yet to reach that level with the feds. Ah well, maybe next year.

So, at this point, I don't really know what's going on with my MFA. I can, obviously, just do the normal program. This would mean I would need to either write a series of short stories or start a new novel as I'll run out of submissions for my current project mid-way through next fall. But I think my professor makes a good point in that I should try to get as much out of the program as I can, and getting this book ready to publish sooner than my graduation (currently set for January 2023) would achieve that goal. At the same time, it's very much outside of my comfort level (hence the multitude of questions I bombarded both my professor and the program's administration with on Friday). 

Hopefully once I hear back from them, I will be able to make a decision and the anxiety rollercoaster will cease...at least for a little while.

Paid for Losing Weight

I recently achieved a goal of losing 30 pounds. While this goal is significant, it's not quite the ultimate goal I have set for myself to be healthier, but it was significant because it brought an end to a stressful situation. Have you ever heard of getting paid for losing weight? There's several different companies now that have offered cash prizes to people who successfully lose weight and they each have various premises on how their program works.

I decided I needed the extra motivation and signed up for one of them. I'm not going to describe which one it was because I don't want to drive people to their site or drive their disciples to mine. Instead I'll just describe my experience and why, even though I successfully completed my challenge, I wouldn't suggest signing up.

In February of 2019, I hit my heaviest weight ever, including pregnancy. I was miserable and I knew something had to give. So, I did research on a diet I thought I could keep up and I found a site that would pay me to lose weight. The premise was that I had to bet a certain amount of money on myself, determine how many months I thought it would take me to lose the weight, and then the site's algorithms came up with a prize amount. The prize amount was basically what I had paid in (the bet was based on a monthly payment that you could either pay monthly or up front) plus an amount the site determined I should win based on the percentage of weight loss, my bet amount, and the length of time I was planning to use. 

I bet $50 I could lose 30 pounds in a year, which came out to a $600 bet that I paid on monthly. It seemed doable when I made the bet, but the closer I got to February 2020, the more concerned I became. While I had lost just over 20 pounds by the time I was supposed to meet my goal, I was still about 8 pounds shy. The site doesn't give you a refund, even if you have an injury (which I did back in September of 2019) because it's supposed to make it so you can't just quit. However, they do allow you to buy more time. I was supposed to win $900 on top of what I had put in for my bet, but I decided to buy more time, which was an additional $300. So, now if I met my goal by August of 2020, I would win $600 on top of the $900 I had paid in. Still not a bad deal, right?

By June, I was about 5 pounds lighter than February, but I was still struggling to lose that last 5 pounds to get me to the 30 pound goal. I had tried different things and nothing seemed to be helping me to reach my goal any faster. I was barely losing a pound or two a month at this point and I was frustrated. If I had to extend another 6 months, my prize would dwindle even more. Honestly, at that point, I was bound and determined to meet the goal I had set and never, ever, sign up for another one. 

At the end of June, I joined Noom. By following their plan, I lost the last 5 pounds, weighed out this past Tuesday and received my winnings of $1540 (which was really just under $600 when you factor in the $900 I paid in and the fee Paypal charged to get my money sooner). My Noom subscription lasts until January, and I'm hoping to edge towards my ultimate goal (which is another 50 pounds). 

Getting paid to lose weight sounds great in theory, but in practice, it was rather stressful because I didn't want to lose $900 on essentially nothing. Was it motivating? I guess, but not in a good way. Perhaps if I had joined Noom earlier in my journey, I would have had better luck and lost more quickly, maybe even meeting my goal at the year mark like I planned. 

Contests like the one I did or the Biggest Loser really make you consider some questionable health tactics to meet your goal. I did not give into the temptation (especially because it was forbidden as part of the contest), but it was there. I actually lost a significant portion of my weight in March when I got a colonoscopy done, and I joked with my husband that I should do the colonoscopy diet more often to meet the goal. Obviously, I didn't, but it's amazing how much weight you lose doing the prep for that!

So, while I successfully met my weight loss goal and earned my prize, if I could go back in time, I would not do it again. I'm happy to have lost 30 pounds and I'm looking forward to losing more, but now I don't have the added financial stress on the line. My Noom subscription was paid for up front and I plan to cancel it when the 7 months run out, regardless of whether I meet my ultimate goal or not.

It is Never Too Late to be What You Might Have Been

Last Saturday, I received a voicemail from the director of my top choice for a MFA program. The voicemail was promising, telling me that he wished to discuss my "excellent" application to their program. I was scared to call him back, nervous that it would be similar to a few calls I received after job interviews: a praise shit sandwich. One where the person giving the sandwich praises your skills and abilities, but tells you that, unfortunately, you didn't get the job. I hate those calls. I understand that managers may think that they are helpful or that they are letting people down easy, but I'd take a rejection letter over a praise shit sandwich any day. The letter I can read in peace and process on my own, falling apart for a few moments or hours as needed, depending on how much my heart was set on a particular job. A phone call requires professionalism, stoicism, at least until you can hang up. 

Lucky for me, this phone call wasn't one of those. We had a nice chat about the program, though in retrospect, I probably should have been more focused on the writing requirements themselves and less on the residencies. That said, I was accepted into their fiction program, with the option to start in the fall. My initial intent had been to start an MFA program in the spring because the fall tends to be a really busy time for my office. However, with Covid-19 shutting down the world, our sister division who conducts audits hasn't conducted any yet this year. While senior leadership is optimistic we will conduct some audits, it's unlikely to be enough to cause a substantial increase in my workload.

With that knowledge, I accepted the offer almost immediately and have decided to jump right in for the fall semester. A few days after this offer, I received an offer from my second choice school. While the program at this school is an equally awesome program, their requirements are far more strict. For instance, if I can't attend for a semester because of work obligations, they ask that students withdraw for an entire year and then come back. This would not work for me with my current position because I have no idea if next fall will be busier than this fall, with the unpredictability of the pandemic. I need more flexibility and that's what my first choice offers. They literally have stated on multiple occasions that the program fits the student, not the other way around.

I'm excited and very, very nervous. Aside from a class over spring semester at my local community college, I'm fairly out of practice with creative writing. I've been working on a novel since December, but it hasn't been a consistent thing for me. But I'm hopeful that with practice and perseverance, I'll find my way back to writing regularly and improve my skills. I also liked this program because it promises to teach me how to read like a writer to better critique other people's writing, which I think will be beneficial not only in pursuing my own writing, but also with my day job. Becoming a better writer overall will absolutely assist with both.

Being accepted to these programs was extremely validating. I've lost a lot of myself by pursuing a career so distant from what I dreamed of as a child. Finally deciding to follow that dream has felt like coming home. This is who I was meant to be. I was meant to tell stories, to pour my heart and soul out through words. I'm good at being a paralegal, and I'm good at my current job enforcing healthcare policies, but my passion, my drive, the reason for my existence, has always been to be a writer. 

Applying and being accepted into a MFA program is only the first step and I know I have a lot of work cut out for me. I also know that it will be worth it, and I'm excited for what the future has in store for me! 

Last week was a bit of a whirlwind of good news. Not only did I get accepted to two MFA programs, but I also received official word from OPM that my conversion is complete. My first master's degree has served its purpose: it helped me to join a fellowship that brought me into the federal government and completing that fellowship has earned me a spot in the competitive service. With my career on a positive path, it's time to go back to my roots, to my first love. It's time to get back to writing!

Ambition That Never Sleeps

Years ago, I wrote an entry on my old blog that I had ambition that never slept. I had plans and goals for my future, and I knew exactly how and when I would achieve those aspirations. At the time, I planned to go to law school, and a colleague I had worked with for many years with the state seemed to consider me a protégé, so law school seemed the correct path. However, after getting married, I determined that law school wasn't really where I wanted to go. Unlike other institutions, law schools have never embraced distance or online learning (although things may be changing thanks to Covid-19). I knew that if I attended law school, my family would have to make many sacrifices that I didn't think were fair to make. It had also become clearer to me that I didn't actually want to be a lawyer. What I wanted to do was work to change bad policies, or laws, and my background in assisting lawyers in defending those laws seemed to provide a great starting place for what didn't work.

So, I found a hybrid master's program and I completed the program in two years. The next stage of my plan, after law school and (hopefully) getting a prestigious fellowship, was to pursue a master's or higher in creative writing. That brings us to today. I'm at the end of my fellowship, and all signs point to conversion being inevitable (although I'm still waiting on official word). I feel secure in my position in the world, both professionally and personally.

Recently, it became a question of what type of degree I wanted. A well known school in the state has an online MA creative writing degree, and at first, that seemed the way to go. However, as I learned more about the types of creative writing degrees, I began to lean more towards a MFA, which would give me the fall back option of teaching, should something happen with my day job. Both programs promise to help students write a completed manuscript by graduation, but the MFA has more transfer-ability to other career opportunities.

I've narrowed my favorites down to three colleges, though really, I have my heart pretty much set on one. Determining my writing samples has been a challenge. Last semester, I took a few courses at the local community college, just to get my feet wet with writing again. I've also been working on a novel since Christmas, and while I've thought of using part of it as a writing sample, I'm not sure it's quite ready to submit as evidence of my ability.

Regardless of where I end up attending, I definitely feel ready to go back to my first love. My passion for the law, both creating and defending, has grown with me as an adult, but writing is a part of me, and I'm ready to let that part of me shine.

The Road Less Traveled

Two years ago today, my professional life completely altered. I found out I was a PMF finalist and I knew that the question of leaving the state had changed from "if" to "when." Six months from now, I will complete the conversion process and, fingers crossed, I will convert to a permanent federal position. I've completed all the requirements for the program and am now focusing on learning more in my position while continuing to improve my skills.

My hoped for future with the federal government has made me think about my professional past. Recently, Facebook's algorithms have added some people from my past to my "suggested friends." One of those people was formerly the HR director at the very first law firm at which I worked. I obtained the job because my mother had worked as a legal secretary there and they decided to take a chance on me. After six months working as a scanner/coder (scanning was relatively new technology back then), I was promoted to a legal secretary position myself.

At the time, I was also attending school at night at the local community college with a focus on obtaining my AA in English. The community college had a degree program for paralegals and I remember talking with the HR director about switching majors because the law interested me. I thought being a paralegal might be a better career path than trying to be a writer. The HR director discouraged me from doing this, pointing out that paralegals at the firm typically used the position as a stepping stone on their way to law school. She said if I wasn't planning to attend law school, then being a paralegal wasn't worth it. I didn't know any better, so I believed her and did not switch my major.

Through a series of stupid decisions and unfortunate events, I left that job and struggled with employment for the next couple of years. It wasn't until I obtained a part time job with the state that I finally felt like I found my place, and with it, I learned what a paralegal actually is. Yes, large law firms, like the one I used to work for, do have a 2 year program for individuals who hope to become attorneys to work as paralegals, giving them professional experience before they move on to law school. However, to discount the entire profession based on such a limited experience was disingenuous.

When I went back to school after obtaining that job with the state, I thought about switching my degree field at that point to a paralegal one, but then I realized I only needed roughly 20 credits to complete my AA in English. So, I finished it and then pursued a BS in Legal Studies through an online program. Still, had I not listened to her, I might have finished my paralegal certificate at the same time I finished the AA degree and moved forward in my career that much faster. Hindsight is always 20/20.

I told that story because I want to note that I have come a long way from that young, impressionable 19 year old. Over my many years with the state, I was encouraged to attend law school and for a while, it was a path I was considering. The truth; however, was that I never really wanted to be a lawyer. I love the law, I love learning about it, and when I worked at my last position with the state, I found I really loved creating it. I liked the idea of creating policies that would make a difference, that would maybe fix a problem instead of spinning my wheels trying to defend poor policies. That's why I decided to go for my master's in Public Administration and Policy instead of law school.

I never would have made it here had I listened to that HR director and stuck with English through my bachelor's. I never would have delved into the world of law had I not defied my mother and dropped out of that four year liberal arts school after only one year. My path to education and my career have been criticized by many different people over the years: family, friends, coworkers, etc. My mother wanted me to pursue writing and it is still a dream that I want to pursue, but if I had focused on that dream when I was younger, I never would have realized my love of policy making and analysis. I never would have considered any of the things I've done in my career because I didn't even know some of them were options and, more importantly, I didn't know I was *good* at them until I had the opportunity to try.

What I have learned is that I am more successful when I ignore the naysayers, at least in my career (in my romantic life, I should have listened to those naysayers a lot more regarding my first marriage!). Family chastised me for dropping out of college, but I found my own way through it and eventually finished a master's degree. So many people said I jumped jobs too much, but all the experience from my various jobs led me to where I am today. I found a love of legislation because I jumped jobs one last time in the state and ended up working with a legislative attorney. One attorney at my last job doubted I could even obtain a fellowship and was really negative about the opportunity, but I was offered three different positions before I received my final offer. Another attorney at that job said she thought I would miss the "hustle" of litigation. My position, much like the position I had when I first started with the state, has an appeals process that my unit is heavily involved in and the work is interesting. Law school was something I was encouraged in throughout my time with the state, but I'm glad I didn't go that route because I found a successful career path without it (and without the student loans that come with it).

I wish I knew back then what I have come to realize now: I have always needed to follow my own path, not one that was set out for me or one that others thought I should take. As the poem says: "Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference."

45 by 45

Back when I was completing my list of 30 things to do by the time I turned 30, I wrote that I wanted to make a new list of 45 things to complete by the time I was 45. I picked 45 because that was the age my mom was when she died and at the time, it dawned on me that when my mom turned 30, she only had 15 years of life left. It made me wonder if she could have gone back, with that knowledge, what would she have wanted to accomplish in the time she had left? She shared many regrets with me during her last few months. With that in mind, I made a list of 45 items, a sort of “bucket” list if you will.

Well, that was almost 6 years ago and up until this summer, I had completed all of one item on the list (we visited Mayan ruins on our honeymoon). So, when I started planning the trip to Maine, I looked over the list to determine what other items I could accomplish while we were there. I had originally set out to accomplish 3 things, but when my husband gave me the limitations for our trip, I had to cut out one (rock climbing) because we wouldn’t have time to go to Bar Harbor.

The two main items I was able to complete were whale watching and white water rafting. I do have visiting all 50 states on the list and my husband insisted we drive to Maine, so I was able to add a few New England states on our way, but I still have the entire west coast I have yet to visit. I looked at whale watching directly out of Portland, but I wasn’t thrilled with the reviews of the main company I found on tripadvisor, so I branched out a bit and found a company in Boothbay Harbor. It was probably a good thing we drove as we would have needed to rent a car to complete the two items on my list.

Whale watching, with Cap’n Fish’s Whale Watch, was first and we lucked out in finding a juvenile humpback. I didn’t get the greatest of pictures as I think the poor creature was trying to take a nap while we chased it around the ocean, but I did see it breach once. It was a wonderful experience, being that close to such a large and majestic animal. We also were able to see other wildlife while in Maine, not just on this tour. We saw sunfish, seals, porpoises, and a bald eagle. For one afternoon, we booked a private charter with Fogg’s Boatworks and that was when we were treated to an entire colony of seals on a rock in the bay. We watched them for a long time, taking countless pictures, but then as we were about to leave, a bald eagle landed on the island. Suddenly all the birds and seals took flight and left the eagle with an island to himself. I told Eric that it was like seeing National Geographic in action!

After we had our fill of Portland, we drove into the mountains to a little town called The Forks. We stayed at a really nice camping resort called Northern Outdoors which had cabins, a campground, and rooms above the lodge (which Eric enjoyed because the lodge included a craft brewery. I think that was his favorite part of the trip: all the beer!). We were able to go hiking soon after we arrived to a waterfall called Moxie Falls and then we retired to our room at the lodge for some R&R before our white water rafting trip the next day.

The next morning, we were up and dressed bright and early to head out on the river. None of us had been white water rafting before, so we were all a little nervous. Surprisingly, the river water was much warmer than I was expecting, which was good because not long after we got underway, Eric and half of the family we were paired with took an unintentional swim! Honestly, I think the worst part for me was carrying the raft down really steep stairs to the place we would put in the river. Ever since our orange cat attempted murder on me last October by tripping me down our stairs, I’ve been more than a little apprehensive of them. The river itself wasn’t bad, maybe up to a category 4 of rapids, but not higher than that. We had a lot of fun and were able to purchase pictures of our experience. Both Eric and the kiddo went swimming in the river once we passed the worst of the rapids (intentionally this time). Even though the water was warmer than I expected, it still wasn’t quite the temperature I prefer swimming in (I haven’t enjoyed swimming in cooler water since my trips to the Bahamas and Mexico, that’s the temperature I prefer).

After checking off these two items from my list, I started really looking into what I wanted to accomplish with this list again. At this point, I’ve got a little over 9 years before I hit 45, so I’m definitely thinking I need to start pursuing items with a vengeance! Unfortunately, some of the items will have to wait because I can’t take kiddo out of the country until she’s 18 (it’s a long story and an even longer court battle, so it’s really just not worth it). Some of the items are easier (performing in community theatre, learning to sail, learning to ski, and learning to ice skate), but others will require some planning. I don’t expect to finish everything by the time I hit 45 as the list is more meant as things to aspire to than actual goals, but the more I items I complete, the less regrets I’m likely to have, right?

A Ghostly Encounter

My family and I went to Portland, Maine this summer. It was the first vacation we've been able to take in 3 years due to my grad school schedule and starting as a PMF last summer, which impacted my ability to take time off. I planned out multiple days of fun including lots of boat rides, tours of the city, and a trip to the mountains for white water rafting.

One of the tours kiddo requested was a ghost tour. We've done one in Annapolis, and I've done them in St. Augustine as well. She's really gotten into ghosts and other supernatural things lately, which reminds me a lot of myself as a teen; however, she's not hanging around graveyards yet, so she's not quite up to my level of morbidity. 😉 She also likes to tease me about being wiccan (or a "witch" as she calls me), so I don't know that she'll ever fully be as weird as I was. She's only 12 though, so there's time!

The tour was called Wicked Walking Tours: A Comedy of Haunted History. I noticed that, unlike other tours I've been on, there was only one time per night for a tour and not as many options for tours during our time in Portland. After returning home, I did a bit of research and I think that is because our tour guide, Gordon, is also the owner of the company. This was the first of many differences that really made the tour stand out to me.

After checking in with Gordon, we sat around waiting for the tour to start. While we were waiting, I noticed Gordon kept glancing around at the group and then down at a sheet of paper. It dawned on me after watching him for a bit that he was trying to memorize our names. When he gathered us around to start the tour, he addressed each of us throughout his introduction, which I thought was a really nice touch.

Another difference I noted between the stories told on this tour and others was that not all of them were based solely in Portland. Often a story would actually begin somewhere else, and I found myself wondering why we were listening to a story about a shipwreck in North Carolina. However, Gordon always tied the story back to Portland and it made the tour more interesting.

The largest difference, and probably my favorite part of this tour, was that at the end of the night, Gordon asked if anyone had any stories to share. And here I want to discuss my one regret from this trip. I do have stories, or encounters to share; however, they involve my mother and I thought at the time that I didn't want to bring down the upbeat feeling of the tour. Even almost 17 years after the fact, it's difficult for me to think about, much less talk about my mother in any form: even the supernatural. So, I didn't share my story for two reasons: 1) because while my daughter is interested in anything ghost-related (she's a huge fan of those ghost hunter shows on tv), I was afraid that having a personal connection to a ghost story might freak her out; and 2) because I didn't think I could talk about it without getting emotional.

But here, under my pseudonym, I feel I can write about what happened. There were a couple of instances. Shortly after my mother died, my high school boyfriend was over at my house and we were, yet again, fighting. We had been trying to work on getting back together, but it wasn't going well. For a bit of a back story, my mother vehemently hated this guy, and would have probably rolled over in her grave at the mere suggestion I would get back together with him. However, my mother had a mischievous side and a great sense of humor. Anyway, at one point during the argument, he got so angry with me, he stormed out of my house and slammed the door. There is a hall closet at my childhood home. The door has never done this before nor has it happened since to my knowledge, but a few seconds after my ex slammed the door, the hall closet door flew open.

Now, logically, this could have been due to the sheer force of the front door slamming. The knob could have been loose from my dad removing his coat (he was not home during this incident). However, I like to think of it as my mom, with a twinkle in her eye, telling me that when one door closes (or slams) another one opens. . . in the literal sense.

There were a few other weird things that happened immediately following her death in that house, though I don't recall specifics beyond this incident. However, I feel sometimes that my mom comes back to visit me when I'm having a rough time. She died when I was only 19 and our relationship was strained, owing in part to my teenage angst. So, it's comforting to think, since I never got to experience the reconnecting phase after becoming an adult, that she comes back to check on me when I need guidance the most.

With that said, soon after I left my first husband and returned home with a baby, strange things began happening again. The most notable of incidents was one night at dinner, my sister and I were sitting at the table with kiddo in her booster seat. All of a sudden, the pitcher on the table slid from one side to the other on its own. No one was touching it and the table was completely level. It was also a glass pitcher full of tea, so it wasn't an empty pitcher pushed by (nonexistent) wind. According to my Facebook, it occurred in October of 2011, so it's possible the proximity to Halloween was involved. My sister saw it happen as well, so at least this time I felt a little less crazy.

I haven't had any additional strange occurrences as I haven't had as many hardships to face as I did in the years following my mom's passing. My father also sold our childhood home, so if the house itself is haunted (by my mom or another spirit), I will likely never know.

Even though I wasn't able to share my story with the group, I really appreciate that Wicked Walking Tours allows time for this at the end. I imagine they receive many chilling tales from tour guests and I've seen some of them recounted on the Facebook page. I think taking this time to hear from guests about their experience really adds a unique quality to this tour and it makes it my favorite of the tours I've been on thus far. I really enjoyed listening to Gordon, not just for the stories, but also for his performance as well. If he's not into acting, he really should be because he's very talented. If we're ever back in Portland, I would take this tour again and maybe by that point, I will be able to keep my emotions in check to share my experiences with the group.