In Loving Memory

Derricks’ father passed away last Thursday. Since we aren’t friends anymore on facebook (or anywhere else for that matter), a mutual friend told me. Then my sister asked me about it and then my best friend followed suit. On the one hand, I’m not sure if they were just trying to figure out what was going on and for some reason thought I would know, but on the other hand, having the constant reminders throughout the day was hard to deal with. I don’t know what happened. The obituary simply said he died at home and that the funeral was this weekend.

I’m not going to the funeral. Things ended on such a sour note, I wouldn’t feel comfortable attending and since I found out secondhand, I would feel weird to just show up. But I did send flowers to the funeral home. I feel for Derrick and his family. Losing a parent is a really difficult thing to go through, especially when it sounds like it was sudden and unexpected. When my mom died, I was able to at least say my goodbyes and try to make amends in our relationship, but obviously we didn’t fix everything. I’ve been asked if I’m going to contact Derrick directly to offer my condolences, but again, I don’t feel comfortable doing that. I can send my condolences to the family as a whole and let that be it. On the one hand, I feel like I should do something more because I did get close with his family as we were together for so long, but at the same time, my discomfort stems a lot from the residual anger I’m dealing with towards Derrick and I just can’t bring myself to put forth more effort. I don’t know if he tried to contact me to let me know what had happened because I’ve blocked him on everything, but my assumption is that he did not. He was always rather private about his grief and I imagine he wouldn’t reach out to me now, with all that happened.

In other news, the Greek has aggravated me once again. Why he has to always try to have “closure” or whatever his motivation is, I don’t know, but it does more damage than good. We briefly emailed during May because I had sent him a forward from a place we had discussed going to before everything went to hell, and while I had no intention of going with him, I didn’t see why he couldn’t enjoy going with someone else. The emails were pleasant, though not very in depth and after the last one he sent me in mid-May, I felt like there was no further need for response on my part and I was happy to just let it fade into the past. I felt better about things, I could tell that he had finally moved on and I was happy that we had ended on a less estranged note.

Two weeks later, I get another email from him. I had not responded to his last email, as I said I saw no reason to. In this email, he tells me that he cannot be friends with me because it will cause “tension” in my “current” relationship. Love the word choice there. I feel this was an unnecessary email, and I do not understand his fixation for getting the last word, especially since he already had the last word as I hadn’t responded to his last email. The tone of the email came off as very condescending, partly because of his word choice in “current” and also because of his assumption that he had the power to cause tension in my love life, as if Eric was or ever would be threatened by him. I don’t think he ever fully understood that Eric’s issues with him had nothing to do with a feeling of being threatened or jealous, but with the way he treated me: his lack of respect for my feelings and my decisions. It also irritated me that he felt he needed to spell things out for me for how his life was going, as if I couldn’t read between the lines on what was going on. The entire reason I didn’t respond to his first last email was because I didn’t see a point to, it was clear to me that he had moved on and was happy, and my purpose in sharing with him a deal on the local restaurant had been accomplished.

I wish I had blocked him after the last email so that I could have maintained the pleasant feelings I felt towards him, but still confirmed to myself that I would not be communicating any further. A part of me wanted to respond to this email (though he claimed he wasn’t looking for a response, Eric called bullshit on that one), but in the event a response or reaction was what he hoped for, I refused to give him the satisfaction and have since blocked him from all forms of contact.  I just do not understand why he always has to do this. When I stopped texting him back, he would send me text messages “explaining” his feelings one more time, and that is similar to what this email has done. I feel like he thinks I’m stupid or something and that he has to spell it out so I get it. I suppose that is why I call it condescending, because I feel like a child who has to have something simplified for them. I don’t’ need “closure” or everything spelled out in a organized email. One of my good friends told me that I shouldn’t have forwarded him the thing in the first place and I admit that I questioned whether it was the right thing to do, but I love the place and try to garner business for it when I can, so I thought it was a win/win: garner business while giving that new business a financial break. I suppose the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Otherwise, life is getting better, Eric’s busy season is almost over and soon our lives will go back to normal again. I’m really looking forward to summer!

From a Former Single Mom

It occurred to me recently that I really can't describe myself as a single mom anymore. I've been living with my fiancé for about 3 months now, and he's really stepped up in the care and assistance with not only my daughter, but also with his share of the household chores. It's surreal to have this after two awful relationships where I bore the brunt of the work, both housework and child care. 

However, it's a hard label to shake. We're not married yet, though that's in the works. My daughter still prefers me to him for most things, which I think is more out of habit than anything else. And honestly, I'm still having a hard time accepting his assistance with all things parenting. I mean, on the one hand, I love it! It's awesome to have an extra set of hands and another person's perspective to help me raise her, but on the other hand, it's a major adjustment and I constantly find myself going against the grain and saying “no no, I’ve got this” instead of letting him help me. It’s so hard to turn that part of me off, and it makes me wonder if part of the reason my last relationship failed so hard was that I wouldn’t let him help me either. (My marriage I have no question about that, I asked for help regularly and I never got it).

For a while I’ve been referring to myself as a “soon-to-be” former single mom, or something along those lines. Somehow putting off the formal relinquishing of the title seems to make me feel better, which is completely ridiculous in my own mind. A piece of paper declaring us legally married is not going to change the family dynamic we are setting up now. So, knowing that, why am I so set on clinging to my title until the ink is dry on that marriage certificate and the wedding is over? I honestly don’t know. But I’m hoping that as time goes on and we get more used to our living arrangement, I will be less likely to insist on doing it all and more graciously accept his help. It helps to know that this is not just a problem for me as he has expressed a similar difficulty, especially since he is in the midst of his busy season at work and won’t be around as much to help out around the house. It was a difficult conversation to have, but I think we have a better understanding of each other.

So far though, I hate this busy season. He gets home right before my daughter’s bedtime most nights, though that’s subject to change. We usually talk on and off every day through facebook or text messages, but that has been put aside as he’s working too hard to communicate. And now he’s working on weekends as well. Thankfully, most weekends I have something to do, but these first two weekends have left something to be desired. Last weekend, I didn’t have much planned, but worked around the house while my daughter played with some neighborhood kids and this weekend while she’s gone, I plan to do my usual cleaning and laundry on Saturday so I can pick my daughter up early on Sunday for Mother’s Day. Depending on how the next few weeks go, he may not even make it to kiddo’s birthday party, which would really suck all around.

But I keep telling myself that it’s only for a month or so and then it’ll be over. In the meantime, I’m just trying to stay busy myself. I’m working on losing all the weight I gained with Mirena. I had to take a break from it all during the move because I just had too much going on to focus on my calorie intake and physical activity. I also admit that I was  so upset over the situation with Derrick that I indulged in a lot of comfort eating, a habit I’m happy to be breaking. I got a fitbit recently and it’s really helping me see how much I burn each day versus how much I consume, so I’m cutting back here and there to help with the weight loss.

On the Mirena note though, I feel better emotionally. While I hated the detox (though I’m contemplating doing it again soon) I’m glad I did it. I really think it helped to regulate my hormones. I stayed off hormonal birth control for a few months and I felt a lot better. I’m back on it now, but I’m still feeling a lot more in control of my emotional well-being. I think if I do a detox again, I’ll try the soy based cleansing kit from Kaeng Raeng, or something similar to them. Maybe the soy based tastes better!

Holding On and Letting Go

It's been about 3 months since I last wrote, and my life took a dramatic turn I wasn't anticipating during that time. Derrick and I had agreed that, even though we were no longer together, we would finish our lease and extend it by a few months so that my daughter wouldn't be uprooted from her school and friends in the middle of the year. Derrick then changed his mind sporadically a week before my detox. We got into a huge fight about it and after spending some time trying to figure out what my options were, Eric and I agreed that my daughter and I would move in with him in February, as close to the semester break as possible. I did all the work in transferring my daughter's school and daycare, set up everything so we could get out of there, and we moved President's Day weekend. Derrick, who insisted he couldn't wait much longer and, during our fight, informed me that he could "move out now" stayed in the house a good month after I left. Needless to say, I cut that friendship off and have no intention of ever speaking to him again.

It didn't help that for the month that Derrick was there, he expected I would maintain the internet for his use. I did, for about a week, but then when our landlady contacted us to tell me that she had found a new tenant and could we be out by mid-March, he refused to leave. Needless to say, I immediately canceled the internet. I was already facing having to clean the entire townhouse by myself in hopes of getting any of the security deposit back (which is supposed to all come to me per my last contact with the landlady); hell if I was going to give him free internet in the process. He's moving to another state where he claims he plans to go back to school. Having watched him treat his job like an option and not a priority for the last year plus, I can't help having huge doubts about his follow through for returning to college on the G.I. Bill. When he left, he hadn't even contacted the air force about getting his transcripts or starting the application process. At least that no longer affects me. Good riddance.

My daughter has not been adjusting as well as Eric and I had hoped she would. She was the one who suffered the most, going through all the changes while Eric and I had only to adjust to each other and a new house, our professional lives remained relatively the same. But kiddo had to leave her friends and start over at a new school and new daycare, adjust to a new house and new house rules, and deal with a longer commute to her father's house. It's been rough. We got kittens, and that seems to have brightened her spirits a great deal, though we do have to remind her not to chase them on a regular basis. She has made some new friends, but it's still been hard on her. The effect this has on her was the driving force behind my anger at Derrick and my subsequent decision to cut ties with him.

Life with Eric has been going pretty well, despite a few bumps in the road as we adjust to each other. The one thing that I've really loved about it is the help I've had. I've been a single mom for the majority of my daughter's life and I've just gotten used to doing everything. Eric has made it so even when I don't ask for his help, he just does things. He takes my daughter to school every morning and he helps put her to bed every night. I've never had someone that involved in her life, not even her own father, so it's been a wonderful change for both of us. I feel comfortable and happy in this new life. Neither of us was expecting to make this move so soon as the original plan was set for June, but in a way, I am glad it worked out this way. The situation with Derrick was deteriorating quickly and it just would have grown into a more toxic environment for my child.

I also think I finally have managed to cut the Greek from my life for good. After one more attempt to get me to be with him, this time suggesting a relationship in a lifestyle I could never see myself in, I told him I needed space and eventually just made it permanent. I didn't block him like I did the time before so that I could watch for signs that he was going to try to contact me again, but it's been about 3 months since I last saw him and almost 2 months since I last heard from him.

It's been a bit of an adventure the last three months, but I'm happy to report that life seems to be stabilizing once again. Now that the initial crisis has been averted and things are back on track, I need to start letting go of my anger and find it in my heart to forgive Derrick. Forgiveness will not mean that I will want to reconcile with him, but I need to forgive him for my own mental health and well being. I need to let go of what he did to me and find peace with it. It's not going to be an easy journey, but it's a journey that will be well worth the end result.

Mirena Detox, Day 2

I started today much like the day before, with the daybreak smoothie. I drank it slightly faster than the day before, and immediately started getting a dull headache. It was nowhere near as bad as the day before though, but I still took it easy that morning. I enjoyed a quiet day at home, watching tv and doing limited chores around the house.

I had some carrots with strawberry vinaigrette dressing, as well as a banana and some grapes throughout the morning. Around 1, I was finally ready for smoothie number 2. I made the "joyful" one again, and it was even worst tasting than yesterday. I tried it with some lemonade this time, which was apparently a really bad idea, despite seeing the suggestion on Kaeng Raeng's website. I didn't quite finish that one, but I got most of it down. I ate small amounts of fruits and veggies the rest of the day, and wasn't really hungry enough for another smoothie, so I didn't make a third one. I mostly just worked on finishing what was left from lunch.

The dull headache lasted most of the day. I was a little apprehensive because I had to drive to get my daughter from her father, but my fiance came up and drove me down. I'm glad he did because I didn't feel 100% comfortable with driving while feeling weak and in pain. Today was definitely a better day then the day before and I felt like I was starting to come through the detox. I still felt weak, though I imagine that was also partially due to a lack of food. I did notice that I was sleeping better and felt less tired in the morning, which is a big deal to an insomniac like me!

By the end of the day I was definitely craving normal food again. I wasn't craving vegetables like some of the blog writers I had read to prepare for this, but I am not a huge vegetable person to begin with, so this did not surprise me. I was happy to know that I only had one more day and I had even decided to modify the day a bit to get through it easier.

Mirena Detox Day 1

On Sunday, I started the detox program. For my first smoothie, I made "Daybreak" which is a mango, peach and pineapple smoothie. I added almond milk, pineapple juice, half a banana and mango chunks. It was pretty good, and I found myself really optimistic about the drinks.

I should state now that I ordered the soy free version of Kaeng Raeng. Because of all the hormonal issues the Mirena caused me, I was afraid soy might make the estrogen dominance I was experiencing worse. I know on Kaeng Raeng's website, they state that the phytoestrogen in soy doesn't effect human estrogen, but it was a risk I wasn't willing to take. This difference likely effected how the smoothies tasted. I've read many blogs by people who received a free trial and enjoyed the smoothies and I imagine these were the soy based smoothies.

After the first drink, I had some stuff I wanted to do around the house, and since it was the first morning I hadn't woken up with a headache in a few days, I wanted to get right down to it. It took me about 2 hours to finish the first smoothie (it was a lot of liquid), and a couple of hours later, I started developing another headache. It was about this time that I was ready for smoothie number 2. I had the "Joyful" smoothie, which has strawberries, raspberries and pineapple. This one was not as good as the first smoothie. I put strawberries, almond milk and pineapple juice. It didn't take as long to drink this one, but it still wasn't as good as the morning smoothie. At this point, the headache really started kicking in. I spent more time resting than I had planned to. About mid-afternoon, the headache was bordering on unbearable and debilitating, I could barely move.

Now for a paragraph just for the ladies, fellas you can skip this bit of TMI. Before I started this detox, I also went off all birth control because I wanted to flush out everything in an effort to get my hormones more stabilized. As a result, my period started almost immediately and it was the heaviest one I've had in a while. So, on top of the headache, I was dealing with all of the fun of being on my period as well. It was not a fun experience, but based on the symptoms, I felt like the detox was working.

By the third drink, I was feeling really awful. I made the "Into the Blue" which was my least favorite of the three flavors. I didn't even finish it all because I just couldn't deal with it anymore. I ate some fruit and veggies to get through the night and drank plenty of water. I tried to save the "Into the Blue" that was left for the morning, but that didn't quite work out.

All in all, the first day was pretty awful. I felt horrible, and was not sure I would make it through the detox. At one point, in an effort to try to detox through other methods, I took a detox bath with a recipe including sea salts, ginger, baking soda and vinegar. It helped while I was in the bath, but as soon as I got out, the headache returned full force. Regardless of how awful I felt, I truly believe the detox was working. I was looking forward to day 2, hoping some of the symptoms would be eliminated.

I'm curious as to whether the soy based smoothie mix would taste better than the soy free one, but not curious enough to try it any time soon.

Pre-Detox Diet

So, before I started the detox, I looked into whether I needed to do anything before I started. A lot of blogs and such strongly suggested doing an elimination diet before the cleanse. I had my "last meal" on Monday night, a sub from Dominos (yeah, yeah). After that, I stopped eating meat. Then I cut out dairy and bread and soda. On Friday, after cutting out caffeine and bread the day before, I had a bad headache. The headache continued Saturday, but was gone by Sunday morning....until I started the detox.

The hardest thing for me doing the pre-detox diet elimination was finding stuff I could actually eat. I'm not a huge vegetable person, so to suddenly be limited to only raw vegetables, I was at a loss for what to eat other than salad. Friday night, my fiance took pity on me and suggested we go for sushi where I could get vegetarian sushi and thus have a meal already made for me. I probably shouldn't have had the rice, but at that point, I didn't care enough. I knew I would be only eating veggies and fruit on Saturday, the day before the cleanse, and I knew I had cut out a lot of stuff already.

Saturday, my last meal was a salad, though I did "splurge" on some sorbet for dessert, since it was made of just fruit and frozen water.

It's really important to keep up with the water intake during this time because by cutting out all of the foods you normally eat, you're already starting the detox in a way, through withdrawal. And though it was really tempting, I didn't take any medication for the headache because I knew it would just make the detox worse later.

I was very happy when Saturday ended, since I knew I would be able to just drink smoothies the rest of the time, with snacks of fruits and veggies, so I wasn't stressing over what to eat. The smoothies were described as very filling by a a lot of blogs, so I figured I would be better off, meal wise, on Sunday.

Mirena Detox

A lot has happened since my last post, but I'm not going to focus on that right now since a lot of the problems I've been having all seem to come back to the same culprit: the Mirena IUD.

I had this horrible contraption placed in November of 2012, on election day actually. For a year, I had significant weight gain that made no sense as my eating habits had not changed. I was tired all the time, and my efforts to quit caffeine were thwarted as a result. I also had periods of severe pain and PMS even though I stopped having a period. It was awful. I finally looked up my symptoms in comparison with the Mirena and found a plethora of blogs and comments about women who were experiencing symptoms just like mine (or worse).

I gave the Mirena one last shot when I did the couch to 5K, but even that wouldn't allow me to lose weight. At best, it just stopped me from gaining. So, I decided to get it out in December. That's when I experienced the "Mirena Crash." I was in physical pain for days, and emotionally a wreck for much longer. I hoped by going back on the pill, I would be able to avoid it, but that didn't happen. I started reading blogs and comments by women who had also experienced the Mirena crash, and I started researching ways to deal with it. In the end, I decided to do a detox and go off birth control for at least a month to let my hormones stabilize.

I chose the Kaeng Raeng detox, 3 day beginner. I decided to do it over a 3 day weekend and this past weekend was MLK's birthday weekend. I started on Sunday since the kit didn't arrive until Saturday and I'm in day 3 today. I'm going to write separate entries for each day of the cleanse, as well as the pre and post cleanse diet and experience. I feel like it's done me a lot of good, and I'm hoping this will help regulate my hormones from the havoc Mirena wreaked on my body, as well as aid me in the beginning of a weight loss program.

I didn't see any blogs from anyone who tried this cleanse as a result of the Mirena, so I'm hoping this will help fellow Mirena sufferers with their issues.