Just going to leave this here....

Captain Awkward tackled an interesting question recently: "how to be fine with not getting married?" I think she made some amazing points:

"Marriage is a way of formalizing and legalizing family ties. It cements certain obligations and offers certain protections that – depending on where you live, and depending on who you love – cannot be easily acquired any other way."

"Do my fellow straight people understand what can happen when these protections are not available? Do you understand how quickly you could be erased from someone’s life by these “mere” formalities, if your partner’s feelings about you change someday, or if they get sick or die and the whims/prejudices/greed of their family of origin or the state decide that you don’t matter, that your relationship isn’t “real” enough?"

But especially this one: "For the “marriage isn’t a big deal, it’s just a piece of paper” crowd, my usual question is: If it’s not a big deal to you, and it is a big deal to your partner, why not go through with this “trivial,” “silly,” “meaningless” “piece of paper” to make the person you love happy? Why is the person who thinks it’s important the one who has to compromise?

In the sputtering that follows, usually what we discover is that it IS a pretty fucking big deal (and that’s why they don’t want to do it)."

When I was dealing with the Greek and he kept making me feel like my desire to be married was stupid and some sort of societal pressure instead of something I actually wanted for me, I remember trying to point out that, if marriage was so pointless, why was he fighting so hard for LGBT marital rights? I pointed out that I wanted to get married for many of the same protections that this movement was fighting for. Captain Awkward put it so much better than any of my frustrated arguments ever could. And she's right, this is a major incompatibility between people. It's fine if someone doesn't want to get married, but it's not wrong or stupid if another person does. As she says in that last part, why is it always the person who thinks it is important the one who has to compromise and the one who gets shamed for "giving up a good thing" if they decide marriage is more important than a current relationship.

In the end, I did get married, and it was well worth it. 

The Difference of a Decade

****I wrote this back in August, and am just now getting around to posting it.****

For many years, I maintained an online journal. I began it as a way to just share my day-to-day shenanigans with close friends and a few internet acquaintances that quickly became friends. Since its inception, it has gone from a daily journal to a lifeline to my memory bank. Every once in a while, particularly on a slow day at work, I will do what I call “on this day in history,” which is where I look back on entries throughout the years on or around whatever day it is. It’s kind of like Facebook’s “memories” feature, except it involves a lot more work, and there’s no share feature. For instance, last week, while bored at work, I looked up days around August 3^rd.

As I was looking through my memories, I came across a series of posts describing my return home. This was after my first husband and I had separated, and I had returned to live with my father and try to rebuild my life. I should note that before I met my ex-husband, I had been doing fairly well in life. I had a good job, I was buying my first house, and I was going to school. During and after our relationship, my life really hit rock bottom.

At the time of those entries, written exactly 10 years prior, I was returning home with my tail between my legs. I was broke, unemployed, newly single, and with a baby to raise on my own. I was forced to move in with my father for the second time of my adult life. Re-reading those entries was painful, remembering all of the things I felt and worried about during that time.

However, as I read them, I was able to look at them with the perspective and hindsight provided by a decade of time passage. I was able to compare my current self to my past self and, in that moment, I truly grasped the accomplishments I have made. Ten years ago, I was a broken, vulnerable young women, unsure of how I would ever support myself, let alone the tiny baby I brought into this world. I was in despair, but I didn’t give up. Six months after moving home, I found a part time job with the government that allowed me to finish my degree. Two years later, I was almost done with my Bachelor’s degree and was promoted to full time. Step by step, year by year, I was able to rebuild my life, but it was a slow process. Oftentimes, I felt I would go two steps forward, 5 steps back, but I still kept progressing, even if it felt infinitesimal. Setbacks included car troubles that increased my debt, relationships that I thought would last forever that instead ended, and difficulties improving my economic status due to too few raises.

Nevertheless, in 10 years, I managed to earn 3 degrees; move my way up through state government to manage a small unit; successfully compete for a highly competitive fellowship; and marry the man I was meant to. I’m both amazed and humbled by not only my achievements, but also by the individuals who helped me along the way.

One of those people is my daughter. She often asks me if she was a mistake. I tell her every time, with 100% conviction that she was not a mistake. In fact, I don’t believe I would be where I am today if it wasn’t for her. Every parent discusses how their child was the best thing to ever happen to them, but for me, my daughter was the catalyst that caused me to value my own life. I left her father because, at the time, I felt that even though I didn’t think I deserved better, I knew she did. However, in the process of trying to give her a better life and to become more of a role model for her, I’ve found a new lease on life. I still suffer from depression, but I’ve found the resilience, accountability, and emotional maturity I’ve gained in the last decade to be a source of strength during the darker days. While I often wish that she had come into my life under different circumstances, I hope the last decade of watching me struggle forward has not left scars on her childhood and instead provides her hope and strength of her own.

I don’t expect the next 10 years, and beyond, to be all roses and happiness. However, I believe that the lessons I’ve learned in the past decade and the struggles I’ve faced have better prepared me for whatever may lie ahead. I’m not 100% sure where my path is leading me, but I hope to never stagnate and instead embrace whatever lessons or experiences await. I’m definitely much more of an optimist than I was 10 years ago, and for that, I am thankful.

The Journey of 1,000 Miles Begins with One Step

A month ago, I started my new journey as a federal employee. I took my oath, was handed countless papers, flyers, and binders to look through in my spare time, and received my own personal laptop (which is such a nice change from the ridiculously old desktop I had at my last position).

Beyond the typical feelings of anxiety and being overwhelmed, I’ve been rather content in my transition. Most notably, my Fitbit is showing that my resting heart rate has dropped significantly since I left state service, which suggests to me that my stress level, particularly at my last position, was taking a toll on my health. This job has its own stress; however, the deadlines are more self-imposed by my unit than by an outside entity like a court. The workload is much more professional than work I’ve performed before, and it’s almost all completed electronically. This bodes well for my desk, which in so many past positions has been a cluttered mess of paper.

I was assigned to train with one particular coworker, though my supervisor and other colleagues have been very friendly and helpful in answering questions and showing me where things are. I have a better understanding of what is expected of me, though I am still a bit overwhelmed by the steep learning curve. There is a lot to remember about the process and each step along the way; however, my supervisor has assured me that it can take a year or so to learn everything.

The one con I have noticed is the lack of effort for the PMF program. I sit next to a fellow PMF from the 2017 class and he has told me that a lot of the program requirements are things you have to do on your own. Finding a mentor, a rotation, and completing an IDP are all things he mostly has done on his own without much guidance or assistance from his supervisor, unit, or even the PMF coordinator for the agency. That’s disheartening as one of the things that attracted me to this program was the amount of training and mentoring that it purported to provide. That said, I had read previously that often agencies use the PMF program to fill a need, and I can’t really blame them since I am using the program as a foot in the door with the feds.

I consider myself a fairly resourceful person though, so I don’t think I will find it difficult to figure things out of my own. My supervisor has tried to be helpful, but has a very busy schedule and not much time to go over things. That said, there are many things I really like about the agency in general. There’s a gym that I’ve joined (though I’m struggling to find time to actually go), they offer flexible work schedules (including a 9 day schedule, for which I signed up), and the campus is large, so on nice days I can go for a walk.

I do have a love/hate relationship with that 9 day work schedule though. I’m an early bird, so I try to get in as early as possible so I can get home earlier in the evening. I’ve been pushing myself to get here by 6:30 and I’m finding myself exhausted by the end of the day. I had great plans for the summer with kiddo, taking her places on my Fridays off, but instead I mostly just do laundry and try to recuperate from the grueling weeks. The one plus is that when I have to take her for visitation with her father, I don’t have to sit in traffic for an hour on the way home from work and then sit in it again for 2 hours to take her to and from. That’s the main reason I picked this schedule, so I could be off on the Fridays kiddo goes to her dad’s.

All in all, I’m happy with the decision I made to join the federal work force and I’m excited to see what the next two years bring!

Legacy

My time at my current position is quickly coming to an end, and with it, my state employment. In the past 2.5 years, I have worked to turn my little unit from a thorn in the side of our fiscal unit into a compliant, well-functioning model. I've worked hard to correct the less than stellar legacy my predecessor bestowed upon me, and I'm proud of all that I have accomplished. I have created a balanced budget to pass on to my successor and am content in the knowledge that I have worked hard to train her to the best of my ability.

I think it is safe to say that most people try to leave something better than they found it, notwithstanding our current presidential administration. However, what I have found difficult in these past few months of training my successor is how difficult it is to leave, knowing that your legacy is about to be completely destroyed. I can only imagine how President Obama felt when he saw the election results and realized that all he had built was about to be unraveled. My situation is nowhere near as nationally (or even locally) important; however, it’s still a tough pill to swallow. That’s not to say my successor is incapable or incompetent; however, I have felt the strength of her resistance to learn and comprehend all that I have trained her on because she simply has no desire to perform the work. She has stated, many times, that she was hired for a specific position and, truth be told, it is a position she is well-qualified for given her expansive experience in that particular area, and no other.

In addition to the headache that has been this unproductive training, I also find myself at the wrong end of what borders between obtuseness/tone deafness and outright condescension/rude behavior. A newer attorney we have recently hired has made it no secret that she thinks I am making a mistake, which likely serves her benefit more than mine as my area of expertise here more coincides with her position than that of my successor. I received an email from her recently that surmised that I would “miss the hustle” of my current position. This woman has known me all of 2 months and seems to falsely equate being good at one’s job with enjoying one’s job. I’m very good at what I do, but I’ve hated it for the last 2.5 years (which, coincidentally, falls within the timeframe I’ve been with this particular agency)! That said, her use of the word “hustle” to describe the grossly simplistic task she had asked me to perform was hilarious.

Suffice it to say, I am very much ready to move on from the so-called “hustle” and further my career. Even were I to find my new position boring, which I do not anticipate, the benefits of the federal government far outweigh anything the state could provide. Still, I do find myself a little sad to leave the administrative aspect of my position. I am truly proud of all that I accomplished in the short time I was in this position and I only wish that I could trust the legacy I leave behind would sustain my successor’s apathetic attitude.

On the bright side, I will be taking some time off between positions to relax and fully recuperate from the grueling schedule I followed during grad school. I have told my successor that I am available should she need me during that time, but honestly, I don’t know how available I will be. I need some time off to decompress and release some of the negativity that has been building in me since I first started working at this position and I think taking the time off to fully “cleanse my palate” so to speak before embarking on the next chapter in my career makes a lot of sense. I’m looking forward to spending some time with my daughter, cleaning the house, and resting!

"There is no real ending..."

It's just the place where you stop the story."

-Frank Herbert

I have many stories that are ending. I finished my final project for graduate school and am just waiting on a grade. Currently, I have a 100% in my last class though, so I am not worried. I also have received an offer for a PMF position in Baltimore, which I hope to start in June. With this ends my time, not just at my current position, but at the State level of government as well.

However, in addition to endings, there are new beginnings. The program I just completed has opened up a world of possibilities for me, and I appreciate the opportunity I had in being accepted into the program as well as the success I found in completing it. While I have a tentative offer that I hope will become final once I can prove I completed the master's program, I have kept my options open and have found interest throughout many different arenas. I was actually offered two PMF positions; however, by the time the second offer came through, I was already pretty set on the first and I turned down the second. I also have interviewed for state positions, one of which is making the choice to move on to the federal government more difficult than I expected. Short term, the state position would give me many benefits, but long term, I know the PMF program is more beneficial for my future.

Regardless of my future path, it is wonderful to know that I have these options, that I have a bright future ahead of me, no matter what I choose. In the past, when I've had to choose between career paths, they haven't always been the happiest of choices, and sometimes I feel like I've chosen based on the devil I know, rather than the devil I don't. I don't feel that way now. Instead, I feel like no matter what path I choose, I'll be happy, successful, and fulfilled.

Recently, I've attended a few events at my university to celebrate the end of the program and my accomplishments. First, there was a PMF reception, where I met the president of my college who used to be the secretary of the agency that oversees the program I will be joining as a PMF. Then, there was an event inducting new honorees into an honor society; a society which I had actually made a personal goal to join when I first found out about it. I noticed students last year at graduation were wearing medallions or stoles and I was curious as to why. When I discovered the honor society and the criteria for being inducted, I made it my mission to earn a spot!

Through all of this, my husband and my daughter have been so amazingly supportive and I know I could not have gotten so far without them. They both attended the honor society induction ceremony with me, and it meant so much to share that with them. We were also able to meet with the director of my program, and I found it amusing that my husband spent more time talking to her than I did, though he later confided that he knew my introverted self would be totally overwhelmed by the conversation!

I am excited for one ending in particular, our graduation, where I will finally meet many of my fellow graduates face-to-face for the first time. I was able to meet a couple of them at the honor society event, but I'm looking forward to meeting many more graduation weekend! Hopefully the friendships we have formed through this program will continue as I would hate to see those end with the end of our program.

Finally, I feel like I'm closing a chapter on a part of myself. I've been working in the legal field for my entire adult life in some capacity and none of the positions I've been offered are really related to that field. It's weird to know that I'm not going to be a paralegal anymore; however, I think I'm happy to move beyond that title. Growing and gaining new skills are important for career development and I think remaining tied to that skill set in my current position through a hybrid of skills is in many ways holding me back from growing and developing the way I want to. I will take what I learned with me, and I am sure I will never fully move away from the field as legislation and regulation dictate the work of government. However, I am looking forward to seeing what other public service I can provide throughout the rest of my career!

 "A sunset is nothing more and nothing less than the backside of a sunrise."
-Craig D. Lounsbrough

"I'd Rather Choke on Greatness

…than nibble on mediocrity." This was a meme I found over the weekend and it fits with my situation quite well. I’ve recently started having more issues at work than I have in the past. Let’s just say that not everyone is happy for me to have become a PMF finalist and I’m trying not to let their negativity rain on my parade. It’s been a struggle though and I’m trying to keep positive.

While I understand their point of view in that they are losing an employee they have come to rely on, it still hurts to feel like some of the people I work with are actively hoping I fail to find a position in this program. It’s been no secret that I would be looking to move on when I completed my degree. I’ve been up front and honest with them about that since I started, and yet somehow, it seems to be a shock to some that I’m openly seeking other employment.

To me, becoming a PMF finalist is an honor. It’s a reward for a lot of hard work and dedication that I’ve put into both my degree program and my career. To find a position as a fellow would be the epitome of all I’ve been working towards. It’s a federal position and everyone I’ve spoken to has told me if I can get a federal position, to go for it. They actually attempt to compete with the private sector, a feat the state cannot afford to do.

So often, I feel like I leave positions when I’ve had enough instead of just moving on to bigger and better things. I move onto those better things too, but it’s with a bitter aftertaste and a tainted view of former coworkers I used hold in utmost respect. Not every job has ended this way, but it seems more common among professionals I would describe as almost codependent. Individuals who are so needy and controlling that they’d rather sabotage someone’s happiness and future than be left behind. My entire office is filled with codependents on various points on the spectrum between dominant and submissive. An article I recently read sums up almost every person in my office, from the indecisive leadership at the top level, to the needy and insecure attorneys at a middle level, to the support staff who lack the support from above to make a real change in the dynamics.

Recently, I’ve had a few interviews for PMF positions I’ve applied to and I’m hopeful that a job offer will be coming in the near future. While I cannot start until almost summer due to the program requirements that I finish my degree, at least having an offer would give me the peace of mind of knowing that I’m almost out. The old saying or prayer to change the things I can’t accept and accept the things I can’t change needs a third option: if I cannot change or accept something, perhaps I need to remove that thing from my life.

Due to the reactions of a few individuals at work, I’ve refrained from sharing my excitement for the PMF hiring process and have decided to just wait until I have an offer in hand and can let them know my tentative start date (as any offer will be tentative following a background investigation). I’ve even stopped discussing school to preserve my own emotional and mental health, which saddens me because I want to share my journey and, up until recently, many of my coworkers wanted to share in it with me.

Regardless of what they think, I’m proud of myself and I’m looking towards my future with hope and faith that the best is yet to come.

Fortune Favors the Bold

This year has held a lot of firsts. My first time running an office, my first time supervising someone, and my first time winning a fierce competition. It's been a busy year and now that it's winding down, I find myself exhilarated and exhausted. I've learned so much and faced so many challenges head on that I sometimes find myself overwhelmed by all that I've accomplished.

Nothing prepared me for the emotional roller coaster of this past week; however. The last few months have brought a few tragedies in the form of loved ones who have passed on. This past week, two people I knew and loved passed away. Between their deaths, I received some shocking news that brought so much joy and excitement.

First, a favorite performer at the local Renaissance Faire passed away following a battle, or "dance" as he called it, with cancer. He was inspirational and someone I greatly admired. The following day, I found out a competition I had entered back in October announced the results and I had won a spot! I will write more on that in a moment. A day or so later (the timeline is a bit of a blur), my husband found out his grandmother had passed. As I said, it's been quite the emotional roller coaster.

However, I am glad that the good news has helped me to balance out the bad. The competition I entered was a program called the Presidential Management Fellowship. It's a program that essentially helps graduate students get their foot in the door at the federal government. Grad students can apply within the year they are supposed to graduate and for two years following. Since I'm graduating in May, I figured I'd go ahead and give it a shot this year as after this year, I will have hit 10 years with the state and I will be less inclined to leave. The application period occurred around my birthday and the largest part of the application is an assessment that takes roughly 3 hours to complete. I had taken my birthday off, and I decided, somewhat begrudgingly, to take the test on my birthday.

After they had extended the test to allow individuals affected by the multiple natural disasters that had occurred this fall, the announcement date was pushed back a couple of times. I honestly didn't think I would be chosen because it is a very competitive program and when they finally made the announcement, they noted that they had received over 6,000 applications and had only chosen 425 people. I was astounded to discover I was one of the 425.

The battle isn't over yet; however, as finalists are not guaranteed an appointment. Now I have to apply for positions and attend interviews, just like a normal job application process. The program is for 2 years and after the 2 years, if you do well, most PMFs are converted to permanent positions in the federal government.

I have a year to find an appointment before my status as a finalist ends. I'm not 100% sure I want to leave the state because I am so close to my 10th year which will include an extra week of leave (I'm already vested with the state). The downside of switching to the federal govt. is that I cannot transfer my years of service. Apparently you can only transfer your years if you are moving down in government, such as from a state position to a county position. This is something to consider as I go through the process because right now I am set to hit 30 years around my 55th birthday, and I had planned to retire soon after. If I go to the federal government, I can take early retirement at 20 years with a penalty, or I can work for 30 years until I'm 65. Unfortunately, this won't really work for the plans my husband and I have as he is 7 years older than me and plans to retire at 65 himself. We want to retire to Mexico and I'd rather retire when I still feel young enough to really enjoy it.

Regardless of whether I accept a PMF position or not, I am honored to have been chosen as a finalist. I was looking at my last entry from this summer and I think this news is a nice complement to the Mediocre entry I wrote. I definitely do not feel mediocre now!