Milestones (originally written in October of 2025)

Friday is my 10 year wedding anniversary.

When my husband and I first got married, we talked about returning to where we went on our honeymoon to renew our vows for our 10 year anniversary. My daughter would be 18 by then and could leave the country without any problems from her dad. And 10 years felt like such a huge milestone to celebrate. I remember being excited about that plan.

What I didn't anticipate was that instead of celebrating the milestone, I find myself wanting to honor it instead, both the good and poignant parts of it. Ten years of marriage may seem like a drop in the bucket to some, but it seemed like something huge to me. And now, with the realization that it will likely be our last milestone, I'm more focused on honoring what we had than celebrating a future that will never be.

In my last entry, I wrote about feeling like I was at a crossroads. Six months later, I picked up my lantern and chose a path. It's a path that doesn't include my husband and, in two and a half months, will mean moving out on my own.

The decision wasn't an easy one, but I have no doubt that it is the right one. My husband and I have mostly been moving forward together because of inertia and I just can't keep living like this. I told him, several times over the years, that I wasn't happy, that we weren't in a good place. The job situation was basically just the last straw for me. For the record, I'm still employed where I was, I still love my job, but Eric's lack of support was the final nail in the coffin for this marriage. Especially when I was offered a job that would have kept me small and he was willing to bend over backwards to make that one work since it paid far less than I currently make. But I realized he wasn't willing to do anything to allow me to stay in the job I loved that allows me to grow.

Of course, as soon as Eric finally realized that I was serious, he started doing everything he could to save the marriage. But the truth is, I've been mourning this relationship for at least a year. Things started to get bad during COVID when he took on more and more responsibilities at work. Then he took a job after I advised him against it. That job required even more time from him, which meant less time for us and the marriage. In 2023, we got in a huge fight and I told him something had to give as our marriage wasn't sustainable on its current trajectory. And he future faked me, perhaps unintentionally, but it still hurt all the same. He promised things would get better when "x" happened. Only "x" never happened and things continued to progressively get worse.

Meanwhile, I took on more of the emotional and mental labor of the household and our marriage, pouring more and more of myself into it and not receiving anything back. Recently, I told him the well had run dry and for some inexplicable reason, he promised he would "dig another well" as if that was a real solution. When I asked him what he meant by that, he couldn't really articulate an answer, which further demonstrated to me that he still hasn't done the real, internal work necessary to fix things and everything he has done continues to feel performative to me.

And since all of this has come to light, I feel like we're still spending most of our time talking about him, what he's doing, what he wants, what he needs/needs to do. So, once again, I'm put on the backburner.

But I've been doing a lot of internal work on myself. I recently discovered shadow work and it was eye opening. I feel like I'm moving to a better version of me. I've outgrown this relationship and I'm slowly moving toward the person I think I was always meant to be. I've stopped making myself small at work. I've started pushing myself out of my comfort zone and owning my ideas, and it's paying off. One of my ideas for how to do something differently at work is being implemented and I'm being given the opportunity to assist in its implementation. My writing has matured and I've even started a new project that has been fun and has reintroduced what I love about writing in the first place.

At home, I've basically said everything except the words "I want a divorce." Part of it was that I wanted time to make sure I was making the right decision. Part of it was to see if I could come back from the point of no return. But mostly, I think I was just buying myself time to figure out logistics. My daughter is in a grueling semester at college and I wanted to wait until she finished it.

(Update as of February 2026)

And then even when I finally said those words, somehow they didn't take. My husband showed me a side of him I wasn't expecting and it really brought into question my emotional safety. So, I walked it back to a trial separation. Whatever it took to get me out of the house. I left at the beginning of the year and I'm slowly positioning my life to where I can revisit that divorce conversation.

The sad thing is barely anyone in my life knows what I did. Since he insisted on framing it as a trial separation, we agreed not to tell our families. I assume he still hasn't told his, and while I had planned to tell mine this week, the reason for disclosing was canceled, so I no longer felt an urgency to say anything. My coworkers know. My daughter, obviously, knows since she moved with me. But that's it. It's been lonely, but also? It's been surprisingly peaceful.

Crossroads

 I find myself facing a turbulent time. First, my job is impacted by the recent election. While I'd prefer not to say how for anonymity's sake, it's enough that I'm concerned. I started looking for a new one, but my heart isn't in it. Except for very early in my career, I've mostly moved on from jobs of my own accord, when I was ready to leave. I love my job. I love the people I work with... One of them perhaps more than I should, but I've maintained a professional distance. "Admiring from afar" if you will, as he lives in a different state and I've only met him IRL twice.

Anyway, last year, I realized how much I love my job when my division split. I took it especially hard. I already have issues with change, and that's even when I'm the one orchestrating the change. Last year was different. I was completely blindsided. Since then, things have gotten better. I adjusted. The person mentioned above returned to my division, which was a blessing and a curse. A blessing because, besides my romantic feelings, I do really just enjoy working with him. And a curse because, well, I might have gotten over my crush if we didn't work so closely anymore.

All of that may not matter if I lose my job. There have been some assurances from higher ups about my specific area, that we may not be subject to the same cuts as other places. But nobody can make any promises and so I'm left in a state of limbo... waiting for the proverbial ax to fall.

To make matters more complicated, and stressful, the job market is highly competitive and with all the cuts going on, it's only going to get more so. Eric isn't helping things because he just keeps telling me to get a new job, basically any job, that has more security than my current one. His philosophy is that if I can get out of the current situation, I can continue to look for something I really want. But it's not that simple. And I'm 41. I don't want to do the job hopping I did in my late 20's and early 30's. I've been in my position for over 3 years and, for once, I'm not ready to jump ship. Usually 3 years is my limit, where I start looking for a change, but this time is different. I'm happy. And I can't tell you how hard I've searched for a job where I'm happy.

Ironically, where I'm not happy is with Eric. Beyond his complete lack of understanding about how difficult the job market is, he's also completely oblivious to how different our situations are. He's up for a promotion that he's ambivalent about. We've had so many fights about his job and how much of his time it takes up. This promotion has the potential to alleviate some of his stress, but he's not sure it's work he wants to do. Meanwhile, it's perfectly fine for me to just take whatever I can find, but not him, I guess. Oh, but that's not even true because some of the jobs I've found involve huge pay cuts and well, that would impact our current lifestyle, so he's vetoed those as well.

For those keeping score at home, that means I need to find a new job making roughly what I'm making now asap with little to no impact to him and no real concern with whether it's something I want to do. This situation has quickly become the final straw for me in a relationship that may have run its course. I feel like for the past 5 years, I've just been going through the motions, ignoring the glaring red flags because we were comfortable. But things have just been steadily declining.

To make matters worse, my daughter has basically held a mirror up to my relationship in recent weeks. Now that she's almost an adult, she feels a lot more comfortable telling me the cracks she's seen for years. While she's not encouraging me to leave, she is forcing me to face realities I was happy to just ignore.

So, I find myself at multiple crossroads. The job one may be decided for me if cuts do come down to my organization. But if I don't voluntarily choose to leave, that may cause more issues in my relationship. At this time, I don't know what I want to do there. On the one hand, as one of my coworkers said to me today, there is something about the economic security that it provides for both Eric and I. On the other hand, the romantic/idealist side of me doesn't feel that's enough of a reason to stay where I'm not happy.

Of course, a part of me is also worried this is some sort of mid-life crisis, especially since my daughter just started college. I don't want to make any rash decisions, either about my marriage or the job situation. At the same time, I may not have much of a choice on the one.

Clearly, I have a lot to consider, and the best way for me to work through it all is to write it down. I don't know if I'll continue to pour it all out here, but I definitely need to get it out somewhere.

Lucifer

 So with the return of the Show Which Will Not Be Named earlier this month, I was bound and determined to find something as anti-that show as possible. Enter Lucifer.

I went into this show knowing absolutely nothing about it, but you can't get much more opposite of the so-called "wholesome, family-friendly" show-that-will-not-be-named than a show about the literal devil. All I knew was it was on Netflix, it was only 6 seasons (I had just finished two very long series: Suits and Call the Midwife, so I was looking for something a little shorter), and it looked fun.

This turned out to be such a good decision. The show is hilarious and I find myself trying to squeeze in episodes whenever I can. I love the dynamic between Lucifer and Chloe. I've laughed so hard at some of the zinger lines, and I really like Tom Ellis' acting (and singing) ability.

And as aggravating as I can sometimes find the "two steps forward, 5,000 steps back" aspect of the romantic relationship between Lucifer and Chloe, I also think it keeps the show interesting. Something that other show could really learn from. I'm on season 5, and I'm as invested in their relationship as I was when it was first hinted at during the first season.

I think one thing that keeps it fresh are the reasons why things aren't always progressing in a linear path for the detective and Lucifer. The emotional growth of Lucifer's character is slow, but believable. And the revelations of who Chloe and Lucifer are, and what they are to each other, helps to create realistic roadblocks to the relationship, even when they're based on fantastical elements.

It makes me wish that that other show would have built more interesting storylines for the characters. Find things to drive them apart and then pull them back together in a way that keeps you rooting for them. I felt like they did that fairly well in the early seasons before a certain character was killed off. But then, Lucifer also incorporates the ensemble cast in a way that makes viewers invested in several different storylines. That other show started doing that more after season 5, but by then, they'd already angered a lot of fans. The love triangle being introduced in season 6 just exacerbated a problem and then they blew it all up with the retcon last season that I still refuse to watch.

Speaking of, Lucifer has had some love triangles too. First with Dan, then Cain/Pierce, then Eve. But I feel they handled it better because Lucifer was always the end goal for Chloe and vice versa. If that other show had gone in with a clear "winner" in mind, maybe some of the fan division and in-fighting wouldn't have been so bad. Though some of the fans are honestly insane, so...maybe they would have still sent the death threats to actors and fans on the opposite team.

Anyway, I'm actually thinking once I finish this initial run through of Lucifer, I might go back and rewatch it so I can enjoy it more knowing what's going to happen. It's funny that this show I stumbled upon simply because I wanted something completely different has quickly become one of my favorite shows of all time!

So long, and thanks for all the fish-y plotlines!

 Dear WCTH writers, the first rule of writing is show, don't tell. You can tell us over and over again how "honorable" Elizabeth is, but actions speak louder than words and you aren't showing her acting very honorably.

But it seems the show is completely ignoring canon and trying to reverse the direction they chose in season 8. Congrats on jumping the shark! And Brian Bird thinks it's going to last as long as the Simpsons? 😂😂😂 I don't even watch the Simpsons and I know that's highly unlikely. Unless their goal is to emulate daytime soap operas in their entirety. Interesting choice for an allegedly "wholesome" and "Christian" show.

As an aside, I know I'm 100% in the minority here, but the hint that Abigail might return was the final nail in the coffin for me. Someone tweeted asking if people would stick with the show if she returned and I'm giving an emphatic hell no. I personally have no desire to see Lori Loughlin return to the show. For a while, I thought Minnie might be the new "matriarch" of the town, but I've read that this season her screen time was limited to a BBQ? Great choice... I wasn't sad to see Abigail go based on the way Lori behaved after the season 5 finale and due to how long it took her to acknowledge her crime. I'm not sure she learned any lesson from what she did. 

Besides, the town has moved on without her, so I don't see what good it would do to regress. Though, I suppose, that was the entire goal of season 10, wasn't it? To regress the show back to season 8 so they could revisit the triangle? There were so many creative ways they could have caused a break-up without obliterating the story they'd already told. Would fans have still been upset? Possibly, but as I said before, if they weren't straight up lying about what happened, fans might have at least respected their honesty even if they disagreed with the decision.

Anyway, I've already spent way too much time on this stupidity. So long WCTH and thanks for all the fish-y plotlines! 

Fool Me Twice...

Throughout all of season 5 of When Calls the Heart, Brian Bird continued to assure fans on social media that "Everything's Going to Be Okay" or "EGBOK" for short. And then, Jack died and we learned what we'd long suspected: that Daniel Lissing was leaving the show.

After the finale aired, confirming hearties' worst fears, I wasn't angry at Daniel Lissing for making a career decision. I wasn't even mad that they killed off Jack. Was I annoyed that it took us 5 seasons to finally see Elizabeth and Jack get married? Of course, especially since we went from a wedding to a funeral in like 5 episodes. It sucked. Nobody was happy. Hearties took to Twitter to express their anger and frustration. I remember even having a moment of schadenfreude the next season when Lori Laughlin got fired because after season 5, she called out hearties for having a "bad" reaction. She went on and on about how many people would have lost their jobs if they canceled the show after the wedding. Someone pushed back and told her to "let us grieve" and she finally shut up. But I never forgot the way she reacted to the backlash and when the story came out about the investigation into her part of the college scandal, a part of me felt vindicated because her own actions could have put the show in jeopardy. I honestly wasn't sure if the show could survive after losing two prominent characters in Jack and Abigail.

No, what angered me at the time was being lied to, for an entire season, by someone who proudly calls himself a "pot stirrer." Well, Brian, sometimes over stirring the pot causes the contents to boil over, leaving a big, burnt mess. And that's what happened after season 5. I'm not saying they should have had spoilers. I get it, the shock value of losing a major character was "good for ratings." But telling us everything was going to be okay when it clearly was not pissed me off. For someone who preaches his "Christian values", constantly on social media, I didn't expect to be so blatantly lied to.

So, it pains me to acknowledge how much my aggravation at the show is my own fault. I, once again, made the mistake to trust someone who had already lied to me once. Brian Bird not only stated the triangle was resolved, he defended the decision to go with Lucas. He didn't back down from the backlash from Team Nathan. In the face of so much vitriol for not only the characters, but the actors, the writers, the showrunner, and Brian Bird himself, he stood firm.

But now, I'm hearing interviews where the new showrunner decided to break Elizabeth and Lucas up at the end of the season and worked backwards from that action. Where the man who defended choosing Lucas as a way to tell more stories and "breathe life" into the show, is now acting like this was "always Casablanca." I'm sorry, when was Elizabeth running from Nazis? WWII hasn't even started yet in the timeline of the show and WWI is over, though you'd never know it had happened in the quiet town of Hope Valley. And if we're going with the Casablanca angle, is Daniel Lissing coming back to reprise his dead character? Because that's the only way any of these claims are plausible.

What's ironic to me is that I've seen claims from Mr. Bird that if Elizabeth and Lucas got married, they wouldn't have new stories to tell. Well, that's weird. If Jack hadn't died, would that have been the end of the story? Rosemary and Lee got married, and the story continued. Other couples have gotten married on the show and the story continued. Why is this relationship the one that would end the story?

Still, that's not even what I'm mad about. As I've said before, I was team "tell a better story" and honestly would have been just as happy if Elizabeth chose neither man at the end of season 8 and stayed single. But since we were told that she would be making a choice and ending the triangle, I was hoping for Lucas simply because I didn't want to revisit the Mountie storyline again. Even a blended family didn't feel like enough of a change to the love story we'd already seen between Elizabeth and Jack.

I'm angry because I'm being gaslit. I was married to a narcissist and I got out of that relationship because of gaslighting, among other reasons. The last thing I need is to be gaslit by a television show. WCTH is supposed to be about hope. It's supposed to be an escape. Instead, I'm feeling like I'm once again in an abusive relationship, questioning what I thought was true and watching a complete revision of history. From a television show. I suppose my one consolation is that this is a much easier "relationship" to leave, but it doesn't change the fact that the behavior is triggering.

If they wanted to kowtow to Team Nathan, then fine. It's not the direction I would have chosen, but it's not my show. They could be upfront and say they thought they made a mistake choosing Lucas and needed to course correct. I doubt I'd continue on with the show for the reasons I stated above, but I could at least respect their honesty.

But that's just it. They're not being honest. We're being told it was "always Casablanca." They're painting this revisionist history where Elizabeth never actually loved Lucas, despite all the receipts I've seen from Team Lucas demonstrating the contrary. The worst is, they literally pulled lines directly from Team Nathan in the last episode, which is making this all sound like some awful fan fiction. If I had known that WCTH was going to be a clean version of 50 Shades of Gray (which, if anyone wasn't aware, started out as fan fiction of Twilight) I would have stopped watching after season 5.

I recently saw a TL fan who is holding onto hope that this is all a ruse. Again, I haven't watched season 10, but I've read enough spoilers to have an idea of the plot/overarching storyline. This fan is hoping that Elizabeth and Lucas are playacting a break-up because of a threat to protect one or both of them. The idea is the ruse will be revealed in the finale and all will be well, but honestly, I think that's even worse. For one, jerking TN around like that is just cruel. But at this point, bringing up the triangle again at all was stupid. It's splitting the fanbase yet again and causing a lot of poor behavior on both sides. Several hearties, including ones who weren't on a team like me, are over it and walking away. Though Mr. Bird apparently says only "drips and drabs" of fans will leave the show, and for his and the actors' sake, I hope he's right.

But he also said that the teams were something the fans did, and not something WCTH cast and crew created or encouraged. That is the biggest load of horse manure I've seen from him yet. There is literally a tweet from him in the middle of season 6 on May 6th, 2019 that says "Too early for #TeamNate and #TeamLucas, #Hearties?" So, don't give me the bs that the "fans" created the teams. And let's be real, any time there is a love triangle in any form of media whether book (see Edward vs Jacob), television show (see Stefan vs Damon, Max vs Simon), or movie (see Mark Darcy vs Daniel Cleaver), there are bound to be teams rooting for each character. 

I'm not buying what he's desperately trying to sell. You can't create a monster and then, when you inevitably lose control of said monster, wave your hands and proclaim your innocence. There are literally dozens of tweets from him fanning the flames of the teams, including the one I mentioned above. I've honestly never seen a show creator be as involved in promoting the show on social media as that man, and after this experience, I can see why others stay out of it.

He's also said that fans are leaving because they didn't get their guy. That's rich since the only reason several TN fans have returned is because the script was flipped and now their guy is the choice. And while I cannot speak for the TL fans, for me, it has very little to do with not having a specific character as the love interest. Going back to the Vampire Diaries from my earlier entry, I was very much team Stefan. But I watched even when Elena started dating Damon all the way to the nonsensical ending of the series and the continuous revolving door of death (they really ruined that show). So, no, I'm not leaving because of one storyline or one character, I'm leaving because I'm not going to allow myself to be gaslit by revisionist history and the assassination of a character I've loved for 9 years.

And if I wanted to read bad fanfiction, there are plenty of places I can find that. I don't need to see it on my TV screen.

When Calls the... Shark

 If you've never heard the phrase "jumping the shark" in reference to a television show, consider yourself lucky. It started thanks to an episode of Happy Days, where the Fonz jumped a shark. It basically refers to when a show has gone completely off the rails and is no longer following a comprehensive storyline.

I will preface this by saying that I haven't watched any of Season 10 of When Calls the Heart. Initially, this was because of timing. It premiered at the end of July, which was a busy time for me and then I was on vacation for two weeks in August. But honestly, by the time I'd reached a point where I could start watching it again, the things I was seeing on social media were giving me pause. Suddenly, it was like we were back in 2021 Season 8, and the triangle had been brought back from the depths of hell.

Instead of watching my beloved show burn in real time, I watched the smoldering each week on social media. "Team Lucas" fans were very unhappy. That is likely an understatement. But I expressed to my husband my feeling that the show was going in a direction I wouldn't enjoy, and that I wanted to wait until the end of the season to see if it was even worth watching.

Based on fan reaction to tonight's episode, I'm going to say I made the right decision and that at this point, I have no intention to watch season 10. To go from giving fans an engagement to a break-up defnitely feels like the show has jumped the shark. Honestly what I think happened is that enough Team Nathan fans followed through on their promise to boycott that the show decided to backpedal to try to win them back. And in the process, they fucked everything up.

Back in 2021, I posted about the ongoing fan drama. Honestly, part of the reason I've steered clear from this season was the fan base. There's passionate, and then there's obsession, and the return of the obsession put a sour taste in my mouth. At the end of season 8, I pointed out that I wasn't ever Team Lucas in the traditional sense. I was "team tell a better story." And based on several interviews I read around that time, I thought the show runners were on the same page. Elizabeth had been with a mountie already. We'd had that epic love story, though it was cut short. I was excited to see the new direction they were going.

Now, I'm going to deviate from Team Lucas fans by saying that Season 9 wasn't really all that interesting to me, but it had nothing to do with Elizabeth's choice. Instead, it had everything to do with the rehashing of the mine disaster. The mine disaster happened before season 1. And we spent significant time on it, so when it came up again, I was more than a little over it. 

But then, there are a few things that have left me scratching my head over the years. For instance, Henry's redemption arc. I understand when Abigail left, it made it more difficult for the writers to help him find forgiveness. But when they started trying to make Henry look like the unsung hero of the mine disaster with the out-of-nowhere discovery of the mine company's response to his concerns for unsafe conditions, it felt like it was cheapening his arc. The Henry who burned evidence, harassed witnesses, threatened a good man's name, and attempted to bribe a judge is not a Henry who would have warned the mine company of unsafe conditions. I'm sorry, I just can't buy it. And I honestly preferred the idea of him finding redemption through becoming a better man, not pretending he always was a good one.

I think sometimes WCTH's tear jerker storylines help to muddle the questionable directions the show has taken. But when I've watched it from the beginning, things like Henry's storyline or Lee's sudden concern for finding a "calling" just don't add up. And now, we have another thing that doesn't add up: Lucas and Elizabeth breaking up.

Look, if the writers wanted to cotow to Team Nathan fans, they could have gotten there through more honest means. People do break up, even fan favorites in TV shows. Instead of pretending season 8 and 9 never happened, the writers could have focused on Elizabeth and Lucas growing apart. They could have written it in a way where Elizabeth's heart wasn't in it anymore not that her heart was never his. I think they could have avoided blowing up the fan base drama again.

That said, as I noted in my posts back in 2021, everything is for ratings, and I can see how blowing up the fan base again would be great for ratings, at least short term. They've certainly caught Team Nathan fans up in the frenzy, but I've seen people who weren't team anyone express how sick of the triangle they are. So, they may have done more damage than if they had just chosen Nathan in the first place.

The writers ignored their own cannon at their peril. To pretend that Elizabeth never loved Lucas is to ignore the very real feelings portrayed in season 8 and 9. Not to mention, what kind of a single mom would allow someone to get that close to their child if they didn't truly love them? It perpetuates the negative stereotypes around single mothers that exist even in our modern world. Like I said before, I understand that things sometimes don't work out, that relationships don't always last forever. But from what I've seen, that's not how this was handled, and that is why I think the show jumped the shark.

One thing that I've been feeling even before this season was that the show needed to find a natural conclusion. And I was heartened to see that a few hearties felt the same. Nothing lasts forever, and I have found that I prefer when shows end before they start to ruin things. For instance, I was a big Vampire Diaries fan up until Elena turned into a vampire, which is when the show jumped the shark in my opinion. Had the show ended before that, I might enjoy re-watching it. But I can't because, unlike WCTH, I witnessed the degradation of the quality in those last few seasons. What would have been nice is if WCTH had ended this season with a wedding and a promise of a HEA. Instead, I'll borrow a stance my husband holds about the Star Wars movies and just pretend season 10 doesn't exist.

I'd love to say that if they kept Elizabeth single instead of running into Nathan's arms, I might be willing to stick with the show. But honestly, the way this was handled has just overshadowed the good parts, and it's just not worth my time.

AirBNB is the literal worst

 Like so many other people on Reddit, I find myself fighting with this terrible company over what was supposed to be a trip of a lifetime: a week in Hawaii.

A bit of backstory: my mom always wanted to go to Hawaii. It was her dream vacation, but unfortunately, she never made it. In fact, when she found out that the cancer treatment wasn't working and she had little time left, her first words were "I want to go to Hawaii." But by then, she was too sick to make such a long trip.

My brother and sister have both been, and as an early 40th birthday present, I was finally going to go this week. In some ways, I felt like I was making the trip my mother was never able to. I'd planned this vacation for a year. I stepped out of my comfort zone and sought advice from a coworker who had visited several times. I researched places to stay, planned a vacation starting in Oahu, and then going to Maui with lots of fun excursions, mostly on Lahaina.

And then last week, the fires broke out. I was horrified for the people of Maui. The more news that comes out, the worse it gets. I just read that the fire hydrants had no water. The failures that contributed to this disaster make me angry for the Hawaiian people. So many avoidable failures. It breaks my heart. And obviously I could not, in good conscience, vacation on an island that had faced so much tragedy.

Now, I've never gone to an Airbnb before, but my siblings have and my sister especially seems to have good experiences. So, I thought we could try it. It'd be more comfortable for the three of us than a hotel room.

When I first found out about the fires, I contacted the host for the place I'd booked. He assured me his area of Maui wasn't impacted and it would be fine. I should note that this host lives in Los Angeles and was getting this information second hand. Meanwhile, the governor issued several proclamations discouraging nonessential travel to Maui. After talking it over with my husband and my brother (who we are scheduled to visit before continuing on to Hawaii), I decided to move our plans to a different island. I extended our stay on Oahu and then booked a room at a hotel on the big island.

Here's where things get fun, and I mean that sarcastically. I contacted my host, but he refused to refund us because we were beyond the partial refund date. Honestly, based on what I've since learned about Airbnb hosts, I'm not surprised. But Airbnb has an extenuating circumstances policy. Under the policy, they allow for full refund cancelations for natural disasters and for declarations of a state of emergency.

At first, they were only granting this policy to people with stays booked through August 10th, then they extended it to the 14th, then the 15th, and last I heard, the 16th. While the 15th made sense when the state of emergency was first issued, it's since been extended to August 31st. Yet Airbnb is STILL adding dates to the policy one day at a time. If they continue this trend, I might be able to get a refund tomorrow, but I'm frankly sick of contacting them.

Nowhere in this policy does it say it's subject to certain dates. A state of emergency was declared for the whole island, and there are several news articles stating that this policy applies to all of Maui, not just the areas impacted. I've seen inconsistency in the application of this policy in posts on Reddit and other sites where people with dates in September are getting full refunds, but I continue to be told my stay doesn't qualify even though it literally starts this Friday.

My plan is to give it one more shot, though I'm not sure when I'll have time. Tomorrow we leave for the first leg of our journey which isn't even in Hawaii. I have travel insurance, but this is likely not a covered event since my specific reservation was not directly impacted. But I have some other ideas for how to get refunded, including disputing the charges with my credit card. I've heard that can get you banned from Airbnb, but as I have no intention of ever using them again, I'm not sure I care.

What I do know is that I will never, ever use Airbnb again. Not just for this situation, but also because I've since learned that hosts are buying up all the housing on the islands and the locals can't afford to live there anymore. This is despicable and I wish I had done more research before booking with this company at all. From now on, I'll stick to hotels. Until Airbnb is better regulated (assuming that ever happens), I just can't support their unethical policies, or the fact that they don't even stick to their own policies anyway, whether ethical or not.

If you're considering using Airbnb, my advice is just don't. Maybe if enough people stop using them, they'll eventually go away. Their Better Business Bureau ranking says a lot about how many people, hosts and guests, hate them, so I'll hold onto hope that one day the company will disappear.

Love and Other Words

 This is the second book in a few weeks that had me fully invested in the story up until the last 25%, and then I wanted to throw it against the wall. But this one was so much worse for so many reasons.

WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD

First, I picked up this book because a former critique partner recommended I read it. I don't know why I listened to her after she basically trashed my story because it was "triggering" for her. I've completely changed the story now to focus more on the emotional journey of the female protagonist in dealing with the loss of her mother, but the version the CP read was more of a second chance romance between two former high school sweethearts.

Why was it triggering for her? Because she's still in love with her high school boyfriend even though they're both married. And somehow they're still friends. Some of the book is loosely based off my own high school relationship, but it's not about wish fulfillment or because I'm still in love with him. I'd say it's part apology for the way our tumultuous relationship ended, and also a significant part of the MC's emotional journey in the aftermath of her mother's death.

Anyway, one of the things the CP had issue with (and that I did actually change) was that the female protagonist has a boyfriend, and several people didn't love that she was having all these emotional feelings toward her ex while still in a committed relationship. So, after she read (and trashed) my book, she recommended this one to show how the authors had handled phasing out the MC's fiancé and phasing back in the old flame.

I don't think we read the same book or, at least, I don't think we read it the same way. Let me lay out the characters and a brief synopsis before we dive in. Macy is the main character and we are in her POV through the entire novel. Her fiancé is Sean. Her ex is Elliot. She and Elliot were friends, then lovers as they were intermittent neighbors for years after Macy's father bought a vacation home right next to Elliot's only home. Something happened between them that drove them apart and caused them to not speak for 11 years. We literally don't find out what that event was until almost the very end.

Honestly, Sean, the fiancé, was a plot device to keep Macy and Elliot apart, and Macy even acknowledges that at one point in a rather meta way. To make it worse (or perhaps in the authors' mind, plausible), Sean had a daughter and that was why he had sort of kind of but not really "proposed" to Macy—because his daughter thought they should get married. But then, Sean had almost no reaction to Macy reconnecting with her old flame, and the daughter isn't even mentioned at all when the Macy inevitably moves out.

The authors gave themselves a great way to make this more of a love triangle and to pull on our heartstrings by making the daughter a bigger deal. They even had Elliot point out how maybe Macy was sticking around because she didn't want the daughter to grow up like she had, without a mother. This would have made a more compelling story and given more credence to the separation from Elliot. Macy could have fallen in love with the daughter, even if her feelings for Sean were lukewarm at best. It still could have allowed her and Elliot to do their emotional love dance, but with bigger stakes for why they couldn't be together. But that's not what happened, and as I said, Macy doesn't even seem to say goodbye to the daughter before she moves out.

So, anyway, after she breaks up with Sean, she still uses him as a buffer before finally coming clean about the break up. And honestly, this I get. Elliot literally broke up with his long time girlfriend the night after he first saw Macy again. This was a major red flag for me. It reminded me uncomfortably of Skipper and Miranda from Sex and the City. I assume Elliot didn't break up with his girlfriend in the middle of sex like Skipper did, but it just made Elliot seem unstable. And then the fact that he basically ambushes her outside of her job also made me cringe. I wouldn't want to admit I'd broken up with my fiancé either based on Elliot's past behavior.

But what really stretched believability for me was the whole "Macy's dad died and none of Elliot's family knew." People in various reviews/discussions have said that the family's only connection was the vacation home. That Macy's dad wasn't overly social (though he was at some huge black tie affair on NYE before he died, so he must have had some connections).

First, let me say that I've been through a similar situation, and it is not really that hard to find out what happened to someone. Case in point: when I was born, my family lived in a different town from the one I grew up. We were neighbors with a family of four and our families became fast friends. So much so that when we moved away, we still saw them at least annually around Christmas. I don't recall exactly when the annual visits stopped, but I imagine it was a combination of us all getting older and my parents inevitably separating.

Anyway, my mother died before social media, and really, before cell phones were prominent. But somehow, those former neighbors found out about it, and they came to the funeral. We weren't really in touch anymore aside from Christmas cards. There were no Facebook posts. But there was an obituary which, if you search my full maiden name, is still the top Google search result, 20 years later.

So, no, I don't believe that Elliot's family would have remained in the dark for 11 years. Her father died in a pretty major car accident, which probably made the news, even in some small way. And if Elliot really loved her so much and was frantic to find out what happened, why wouldn't he have Googled her before he ran into her that day? And when he did Google her after he saw her, I can't believe there wasn't some mention of her father's death in those results. I simply don't buy it. OR when Macy told him her father had died, why wouldn't he have looked that up? Why wouldn't he have wanted to know how long ago that happened, and maybe put two and two together? It doesn't make any sense.

It's also weird that Elliot thought her father didn't return to the beach house because Elliot broke Macy's heart. Of course, her father would be angry, and upset on his daughter's behalf, but seriously? That's prime real estate. If he hadn't died, I can't imagine he would have just never returned. So, this also stretches credibility. Or, at the very least, it makes Elliot seem rather immature and stupid, which is not how his character was portrayed throughout the rest of the book.

OK, so now that we got through that major issue, let's talk about some of the other major issues. The authors just kind of gloss over Elliot being sexually assaulted by a "friend." This makes me think two things: Elliot lied and used his drunkenness to cover up the incident with "I thought it was you" OR Elliot was raped and the authors didn't give it the attention it deserved. 

I will give the authors a little more leeway here because I think every person gets to define what happens to them. I know of people who refuse to say they were raped or sexually assaulted because they don't want to think of themselves as a victim. So maybe they say they were "pressured into sex" and finally "gave in," which implies it was consensual even though, to an outsider, it was clearly coerced. I don't think it's fair to judge people who do this as it is a coping mechanism.

So perhaps Elliot thinks Emma was also drunk and it was just a mistake and not an assault. It's not clear if they ever discussed it afterward or if Elliot ever confronted Emma. Plus it's weird that Emma didn't stop when Elliot allegedly called out Macy's name (though he sounded enthusiastic otherwise, so maybe she thought it was a slip?), which also gives some credence to the idea they were both drunk. Does that make it okay? Absolutely not. And I hope that Elliot did confront Emma and hashed things out, but as it wasn't addressed in the book, I'll never know.

But it does lead into my next point. Both of these people need copious amounts of therapy. To pine for someone for 11 years isn't healthy. I understand Elliot never got closure, but sometimes we don't. Sometimes people disappear from our lives without explanation and while it hurts, we aren't entitled to their time or their reasons. Had Elliot gone to therapy, he might have worked through his feelings about the whole situation (including whether or not he wanted to label it as sexual assault) and thus been able to move forward with another woman. Maybe he'd always hold a soft spot for Macy and, upon seeing her again, it reopens his heart, but I think if he had worked through everything, he might not have randomly dumped his girlfriend after a 2 second reunion.

I know it mentioned in one of the last chapters that Macy did go to therapy, but it's mentioned in passing and it's not clear for how long she went. She had three major traumatic experiences at a young age. I absolutely think she coped the best she could, but I think she would have done better with a lot of therapy.

Next, can we talk about how manipulative it felt for Elliot to say something along the lines of "you're not here, so who else am I supposed to kiss?" I'm sorry, do what now? If you have strong feelings for someone, even with the teenage hormones raging, maybe...don't go fool around with another girl? Or maybe don't tell the girl you have the strong feelings for that you did? Let's be real. Macy made it clear they were friends before she kissed him and that she wasn't comfortable moving to more because she didn't want to lose his friendship (and her fears were valid based on all that happened on NYE and the next day). So, he wasn't cheating on her with these other girls, and he didn't owe her an explanation about how it allegedly "didn't mean anything." But to basically throw it back on her as if it's somehow her fault? "You won't make out with me, but they would." 

What even is that? And then to challenge her to kiss him and then get frustrated when she realizes she moved too fast and isn't comfortable? I got irritated with Macy's two steps forward five steps back dance, but at the same time, I felt like a lot of forward movement was only after Elliot made some comment to challenge her. This girl lost her mother and has a very small social circle. It's completely understandable that she doesn't want to rock the foundation she has with Elliot even though she clearly has strong feelings for him.

And this is why part of me wonders if there was really more to the Emma/Elliot relationship than is discussed in this book. Which is why I think a lot of people buy into the whole he cheated version of the story and completely miss the assault. 

But honestly, as much as I appreciated how the authors were trying to tie the backstory into the present situation, I didn't love feeling like I was reading a YA and adult romance novel simultaneously. It may have helped if the events sort of mirrored the present or explained the present a bit more. Like, for instance, I started watching Once Upon A Time recently, and at least for the first two seasons, the writers have done an amazing job at weaving the things that happened in the Enchanted Forest with the current timeline in Storybrooke. We learn things as we need to know them to set the scene for the next reveal. That's not how this book was written.

Because I liked the first 75% of this book, I've wavered on how to rate it. I've given it three stars mainly because I hate giving books less than that, even when I don't like them. As an author myself, I understand how much goes into writing a book and I want to recognize that effort. But I hated the ending and it ruined the rest of the book for me.

ACOTAR: Feyre and her feelings

 I finished A Court of Wings and Ruin last night, and now my aggravation turns to Feyre.

SPOILERS AHEAD!

Ok, so, we've discussed my issues with Tamlin, let's talk about Feyre. In the first book, Feyre doesn't confess her feelings for Tamlin until it's too late to lift the curse. This causes her to have to undergo the trials under the mountain and solve Amarantha's riddle. She does so in her final human moments, stating that the answer is "love." The High Lords grant pieces of themselves to save her life and she goes back to the Spring Court as a newly Made fae. 

So, you would think, that after everything that happened because she refused to confess her true feelings for Tamlin, she would have learned the value in speaking from the heart. But then, in ACOMAF, she, once again, doesn't tell Rhys how she feels. They both dance around their feelings, and in Rhys case, I totally get it. He's felt the mating bond, he's fallen in love with her, but as far as he knows, she's still in love with Tamlin. And then when they go to the Summer Court, she tells Tarquin that he would "be very easy to love." Talk about a low blow to poor Rhys. She can fall in love with Spring and Summer, but his Night is unlovable. Ouch.

But she does love him. And at first, I get it, she's still torn up over what happened with Tamlin. She feels like she should feel guilty, but she doesn't. As the writer I alluded to in my last post wrote, in some ways, it's like Amarantha was right about humans and their fickle hearts. So, I understand why it takes her a while to confess those feelings.

Yet, she's handed the perfect opportunity when they're at the tavern in the attic room, and instead she tells Rhys she wants "fun, a distraction." And then has the nerve to wonder if it's possible he doesn't see the lie for what it is. At this moment, I wanted to reach through the pages and shake her. She was so hurt and so upset when Tamlin didn't listen to her, didn't acknowledge her feelings, didn't take her at her word. And now, when someone does, she wonders how he can't see the lie. I just...WTF? You cannot have your cake and eat it too, Feyre!

And then she finds out about the mating bond, and that Rhys didn't tell her. Fair. She's upset, she's angry, she's hurt. He kept something from her, just like Tamlin. I understand where her mind goes here. But when she goes to that cabin in the mountains, when she starts to miss Rhys, she doesn't reach out to him, or to Mor to come get her and bring her back. She doesn't apologize. Rhys instead comes to her and shares his whole story. And what does she do when he's done? She puts a bowl of soup in front of him after he tells her he loves her and tells him to eat. OMFG Feyre! (I know that this is representative of an acceptance of the mating bond, but she doesn't SAY anything to confirm that she accepts it).

Yes, in the next chapter, they talk, she finally says it, but only after he prompts her. Then they have sex and everything is happy. But like, her inability to voice her feelings, after everything she went through Under the Mountain, after knowing the cost of not doing so with Tamlin. It was like her character arc in the first book was tarnished, or never happened. It was like she learned nothing from that experience. And yes, I get that she was confused at first, about her feelings, about Tamlin, and still processing what happened to her. Yet, at the same time, she was clearly feeling something, and instead of examining it, instead of working through it, she ignores it. If anyone should have learned the value of voicing their feelings, it's Feyre.

If it stopped there, and she was more open with her feelings, I think I wouldn't be so irritated. But there are other instances where he says it, and she just...doesn't respond. And he even kind of calls her out on that. When he says in ACOWAR that he "dreamed" she would one day say that to him. She has said it, at least once, in ACOMAF at the cabin, but she doesn't say it very often. When they're facing the High Lords and she attacks Beron, Rhys says it into her head, twice, and she doesn't respond. 

But the moment that really gets me, is when they're repairing the cauldron at the end of ACOWAR. I know she doesn't understand that he's saying goodbye. I know that she's concentrating on fixing the cauldron, saving their world. Still, would it have taken that much effort to send back a simple "I love you, too" in that moment? After everything they faced, she couldn't just say it, through the bond, one time?

The best part is, she then harps on other people not expressing their feelings. She spent a long time in ACOWAR obsessing over Mor/Azriel and Nesta/Cassian. She calls out Mor for not being more honest with Az, and I'm just over here thinking "pot, this is kettle..." She literally invades Lucien's mind to understand his feelings for Elain. I just...for someone who struggles with voicing their feelings often, she has a lot of nerve to judge other people for it.

And then, there's the whole thing with writing Tamlin notes. I agree with the Tamlin fans that he deserved more than a short letter in ACOMAF, but I also think he deserved more than a two line note for literally saving her at the war camp when they rescued Elain and Rhys by helping to bring him back to life. I understand, again from reading reviews and spoiling* things for myself, that she and Rhys are still treating Tamlin like shit in book 4. Which...I'm curious to see why, though the reviews don't seem to imply there was much point other than to be jerks.

I'm not saying she should have gone to see him. Based on his refusal to even look at her at the meeting to determine the new world, I don't think it would have gone well. I don't trust that Tamlin would have controlled his temper. But, a longer letter, where maybe she explains some things that happened, and gives more than a blanket apology, like she did in ACOMAF during the scene with the cauldron and Hybern. And maybe he chooses not to read it. Maybe he burns it, or rips it to shred in a rage. But at least we could say that she tried. At least, we could say that she acknowledged his feelings while also voicing her own in a safe, healthy way. I would have a lot more respect for her character if she had given him the decency of an apology and a more heartfelt thank you for all he did and sacrificed for her. 

It doesn't excuse the things he did that hurt her, and I'm not even saying she should forgive him for those, though...I do think she should forgive him for herself. He doesn't need to know she forgives him, but for her well-being, her own ability to move on, forgiveness is important. There's a quote that says something like "Forgiving you doesn't mean what you did wasn't wrong. Forgiving you means that I won't let what you did hurt me anymore." Sometimes, forgiveness is more about the forgiver than the forgivee.

I'll admit, I'm not as driven to read the next two books in the series as I was to read the first three. The reviews are very mixed, and I'm not sure how I feel about reading a book about Nesta. I don't hate her, like a lot of people seem to, but...I'm just not as invested in her story, her character. I'd much rather read about Azriel or Mor or Lucien...or hell even Tamlin. Since so much of ACOWAR was Feyre telling her sister's stories, I don't really feel the need to focus on them. I'd much rather branch out into the other side characters of the inner circle and beyond.

*honestly, I never really mind spoilers because, as a writer, I'm more more interested in how the author gets to the things that are spoiled than the actual events themselves. So, reading something I spoiled is still interesting as I love seeing how the author brings the reader there.

A Court of Thorns and Roses Series

I realize it's been almost a year since my last post, and I promise I'll do a life update at some point, but right now I'm in the midst of NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) while reading an epic fantasy series. The fantasy series has a character that I know has been much debated, and I'm a little late to that party, but I wanted to throw my two cents in.

SPOILERS AHEAD! STOP HERE IF YOU HAVEN'T READ THE SERIES!

I started reading A Court of Thorns and Roses because I'm writing my first book in my faery fantasy trilogy for NaNo and I always try to read in the genre I'm writing. The first book pulled me in and I enjoyed the love story between Feyre and Tamlin. But I noticed, at the end of the book, that it wasn't Tamlin who was fighting tooth and nail to save Feyre from Aramantha, but Rhysand. After finishing the first book, I read enough spoilers in reviews to know that he becomes Feyre's new love interest in A Court of Mist and Fury.

Since I'm going to do something similar in my series, I wanted to see how the author handled it. While I think she did an amazing job, I've seen two camps forming among the reviewers: those who love Tamlin and cry character assassination and those who hate Tamlin and think he's an abusive asshole.

I'm in neither of these camps. I like Tamlin, yes even after everything that happened in ACOMAF, I still like him. But I'm finding myself overly frustrated with him in ACOWAR, and I finally pinpointed what it was that was bothering me so much. Tamlin is a *terrible* leader.

Throughout the first two books, Tamlin ignores advice from his most trusted friend, Lucien, ignores Feyre's concerns about things like the Tithe and just...everything going on with Feyre in general, and then in ACOWAR, when he's given the choice between siding with his sadistic priestess or his trusted sentries, he's sides with the priestess and THEN has the NERVE to blame Feyre for his soldiers abandoning him. Did Feyre contribute to that cause? Of course she did, but it wasn't like it was that hard. Honestly, I expected Feyre to resort to way more underhandedness than she did to cut down the Spring Court from the inside, but as she even notes during the scene when Tamlin whips the sentry, she gave him and Ianthe enough rope to hang themselves.

I read a post recently where the writer pointed out that Tamlin never wanted to be High Lord. I get that. A lot of people become reluctant leaders, but my problem with Tamlin is that he is a reluctant leader who refuses to acknowledge his own shortcomings. When someone questions him, when they push back, he explodes and destroys rooms. And it's not like he's new to this role. He's been High Lord for a long time. Clearly he wasn't born a natural leader and no, he didn't get any training to become one, but JFC he's had literal centuries to figure it out. At this point, he either should have abdicated and allowed someone with more sense to take over or relied more heavily on advisors (by, you know, actually LISTENING to them) to help him along the way.

Instead, he just goes along with the status quo. He reminds me of so many people I've worked with in the government who say "this is the way we've always done it" and when you push them on *why* something has always been done a certain way, they have no answer. They don't want to do the work and make the effort to examine not only why something has been done a certain way since the dawn of time, but whether that way is still relevant and *working* now. And this is why Tamlin is so frustrating. When Feyre asks him about the Tithe, when she points out that it's probably not a great time to do it because of the aftermath of Under the Mountain, he agrees, but continues to do it anyway. He alludes to revisiting it sometime in the future, but he's been the fucking High Lord for god knows how long and he's never once considered changing how he handles things?

I'm not finished reading ACOWAR, but the scene that prompted this rant (and yes, I acknowledge, that's exactly what this is) was when the High Lords are gathered to determine how to attack Hybern, he blamed Feyre for the fact that his sentries left him. Like, take some fucking accountability dude. As Nesta so eloquently said in an earlier scene, if he's looking for someone to blame, he needs to look in the mirror. But he doesn't. Again, Feyre really didn't have to do very much to tear apart the Spring Court from the inside. Tamlin's temper had already caused so many problems (both in his court and in his relationships), he'd already showed how far he was willing to go to bring Feyre back, and he's showing how bitter he can be now with the High Lords. I wanted to high five whichever of the Lords told him to take his lover's spat elsewhere because, seriously? Not. The. Time.

He also makes questionable decisions as a leader. Everyone makes mistakes, I certainly can agree with that, and even Rhys, with his constant theme of giving all he can, has made countless mistakes in the time since Feyre came to the Night Court. And because we're in Feyre's POV, we can understand Rhys' reasoning because of the bond with Feyre, but we don't have that access to Tamlin's head. Fair enough. He still was willing to sacrifice his entire people (not his court, the Fae people) to save Feyre from her fate Under the Mountain. Yes, that's love. But it's also terrible leadership. Sometimes leaders have to make the hard choices, sacrifices for the greater good. By sending Feyre away, he not only doomed himself, his court, he doomed he entire land. And it just made it that much harder for Feyre to return to save them all when she had to cross back over the wall. I understand why he did it, and I imagine, even if he knew then what he knows now, he would have still chosen the same.

So, I will talk about the elephant in the room: whether or not Tamlin's character was assassinated. I don't believe it was, but I also don't agree with the people who are vilifying him based on what happened in ACOMAF. As the writer of the post I alluded to earlier notes, Tamlin didn't read ACOMAF and so he doesn't know what Feyre went through with Rhys and the others in the Night Court. He doesn't know how Feyre fell in love with Rhys or how much she struggled over what happened to her Under the Mountain, what happened to her while in the Night Court, etc.

However, I would argue that Feyre didn't read ACOMAF either. She lived it. And we are getting her perspective only. Having been in more than one toxic relationship, I can tell you that when things are still raw, when you're coming to terms with what happened to you, it's hard to see the forest for the trees. By the same logic of the other writer, Feyre didn't see Tamlin's panic, his desperation to find her and save her from what he thought was a terrible fate. She doesn't know what he went through after she left, and since we are in her perspective, we only get bits of pieces, mostly from Lucien.

And Feyre doesn't have enough distance from Tamlin to see that they were just toxic for each other. They both changed Under the Mountain, and they were no longer compatible. Tamlin became terrified of losing her, and he's a possessive person to begin with, so that was just amplified by what he witnessed. He thought he was doing her a favor, making her life comfortable and trying to ease her cares. Some people have said he was oblivious, but I think he chose to be deliberately ignorant of what she was feeling because he didn't know how to help her, what she needed. I think he hoped it would go away, that she would just get better, but that's not how PTSD works. And the more she tried to call out to him, to try to tell him what she actually needed, the more he did the things he thought were best for her. And as I stated earlier, Tamlin is not someone who examines things that aren't working to see if there's a different way to do them. He's not very introspective, and that cost him.

The other writer suggested that if Tamlin and Feyre had a conversation, that would solve a lot. If they were better communicators, I would agree. But Tamlin goes into rages that literally put Feyre in physical danger, were it not for her powers. Feyre also sucks at communicating (her inability to say "I love you" when it matters most is a rant for another time). I don't think it would be wise, or safe, for Feyre and Tamlin to sit down and have a discussion until Tamlin does some work on himself and Feyre gets some distance from what she went through. Besides, Feyre tried to talk to Tamlin, he didn't listen, which goes along with his lack of accountability and leadership that I've already discussed.

Another thing I'd like both camps to consider is that these three books happen over the span of like a year or two. In ACOWAR, when Feyre is at the Spring Court, she notes it's been a year since the last summer solstice. So, I understand why Tamlin tries so hard to get Feyre back. He doesn't know the transformation she undergoes while at the Night Court, and he believes she still loves him as he loves her. And I understand why Feyre felt guilty or felt like she SHOULD feel guilty about falling for Rhys because of how little time had passed since she left the Spring Court in ACOMAF.

What I think gets lost in this argument is that, sometimes love isn't enough. You can love someone with your heart and soul, and that person can still be absolutely wrong for you. I know, deep down, I still love my high school boyfriend. In fact, my second manuscript is inspired by our relationship. It's part wish fulfillment. What might have been had we given each other the time and the space to grow, and learn, and change. But it's also part apology, to him, to me, for what happened. I can look back at that relationship now and know that we weren't right for each other, that we were toxic for each other, because I have had two decades to grow and change. I've had two decades to get that distance and really see how everything went down from a different perspective. With time, with experience, I've gotten older, and hopefully, wiser.

Feyre hasn't. I don't know where ACOWAR ends as far as the timeline, or the other books in the series, but it's still fresh for her. She's still coming to terms with Under the Mountain and the end of her relationship with Tamlin. Yes, Tamlin seems villainized in ACOMAF and ACOWAR, but that's because that's how SHE is feeling. That's how SHE is processing what happened to HER. And after being locked in a house, after having her needs ignored, and furniture thrown at her because of another rage, she is going to see things a lot differently than Tamlin. It doesn't make her more or less right, but the fact that Tamlin sees things differently doesn't make her feelings less valid or vice versa.

The blog writer I mentioned earlier acknowledges that Tamlin has flaws, but I think the frustration for me is that he does nothing to address those flaws. He remains oblivious, even as it costs him his love, his best friend, and his court. He still looks outside of himself for blame. In ACOMAF, I felt sorry for him, even when he sided with Hybern and caused Feyre's sisters to go in the cauldron. I know he thought he was doing whatever he could to "save" Feyre, even though she didn't need saving. But he has a temper he does nothing to control. He makes choices that don't make any sense. And then, when it all blows up in his face, he seeks an outside source to blame.

And so, I can also understand the other camp, the one that sees him as abusive. Because it is a pattern with him. He gets mad and blows up, but then comes back to apologize, and that is a cycle of abuse that I and so many others are familiar with. And, again, my problem with this behavior is that he doesn't try to change it. He did so briefly, as so many real life abusers do, when Feyre came back and told him she was feeling suffocated. But then when Rhys took her again, as soon as she returned to the Spring Court, Tamlin locked her up. 

I think their relationship is toxic, and I think they are both better off without each other. But as with my ex boyfriend, I think in some ways, we brought that toxicity out of each other. It's not an excuse, for Tamlin, for my ex, or for me. It's just a reality, a perspective to consider. My ex and I are both in healthy relationships now (at least, I assume he is, we don't talk), which gives credence to my feeling that just because *we* didn't work, doesn't mean that we're bad people, it just meant we were bad for each other. And that's how I feel about Tamlin and Feyre.

For Tamlin to move on, to find peace, and maybe find a love of his own, he has to start taking accountability for his actions, or lack thereof. For instance, when the High Lords were angry that he didn't share the powers Feyre obtained when she was brought back to life, he brushed it off as "none of their business." Again, refusing to take accountability for his poor judgment, for his mistakes. Up until this scene, I was actually rooting for Tamlin to get a redemption storyline, and I do hope that eventually, the author will consider that. But I've also read that he's still brooding in book 5, so...I'm not holding my breath.

I feel like Tamlin is still waters running deep. There's a lot about him that would make him lovable, that would redeem him, but he needs to purge his anger, his temper, and work on himself. He needs to accept how his own actions contributed to his court's downfall, and determine what changes he needs to make to rebuild and avoid it happening again. And if he can't run the Spring Court, if he can't provide the leadership they need, then he should find someone who can and step down.

For what it's worth, I'm halfway through ACOWAR and look forward to reading through the remaining books in the series. I also plan to re-read the series from a writer's perspective as I continue writing my own fantasy trilogy.

One last thought, I plan to keep my books to a trilogy, though I know a lot of readers want the worlds the authors create to continue (I saw this with Harry Potter, Outlander, Twilight, etc.). But do readers ever wish a series ended at one particular point? I've seen some fans of the Court series that didn't enjoy the fourth and fifth book as much. I'm wondering if sometimes, things can just get too dragged out.

I'll Never Forget How You Made Me Feel

 

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

― Maya Angelou

I've been thinking about this quote a lot lately. When I first started at my current agency, one of the people who hired me left to start a position in the private sector. She gave me this quote on a magnet, which I always thought was a bit strange since we barely knew each other. But it stuck with me, and recently I think I've started to fully understand it.

When I was finishing my first master's, there were days when I felt like hell. A few months into the program, my coworker announced that she was going to be retiring soon. Suddenly, not only was I pursuing a very vigorous program, but I was facing running an office, and supporting eleven attorneys, all by myself. And with it being a state government position, I knew it would be a long time before we'd be able to hire someone else. It was daunting. Coupled with that, I had been struggling with my master's program, especially since I had back-to-back classes requiring group work, and my introverted self was tired.

At one point, I had eight months of classes with no breaks, and the classes were each eight weeks long. So from January until August, I was constantly writing papers, working on projects, and trying to coordinate schedules with other busy adults. It was a nightmare, and there were days I considered quitting.

It was July, and I had just started another new class that had a huge group project. I was already dreading it, but first, we had a slightly smaller project to complete with a group of about five people. I have never considered myself a leader, but my grades in grad school really mattered to me, so I forced myself into a role way outside of my comfort zone. After reading the syllabus for this class, I heaved a heavy sigh, gathered my strength, and went to work coordinating the first meeting. The meetings actually went pretty well, and I had some hope that things might be different in this class. But that's not what stuck with me. One kind soul lightened my mood tremendously with an offhand joke he probably doesn't even remember, and then later on gave me a shout out in a discussion question.

I didn't realize how much I just needed this one small act of kindness when my life was starting to feel out of control. Don't get me wrong, my husband was trying to be supportive, and the attorneys I worked for strived to make sure I knew how appreciated I was, but for reasons I can't explain, his comments buoyed my mood. It wasn't so much what he said, but it was, as the quote above notes, how he made me feel. Seen. Respected. I never forgot that experience, and when I had the chance to meet him in person, I thought maybe I'd take the time to thank him. I lost my nerve because I knew it would be weird and awkward. It was unlikely he would even remember what he said. And then he and his wife paid me another kindness when I was alone at one of the events before graduation. They sat and talked to me as we waited for the bus to take us back to the metro and then I think we even rode the metro together for part of the way. I hate traveling on public transportation, but especially at night, and I appreciated not having to travel that whole way alone.

We recently reconnected over writing as he is trying to get published as well, and my initial offer to be a beta reader has morphed into me helping him find comps and doing essentially a developmental edit for him. He keeps telling me he doesn't know how to thank me, but he doesn't have to, because this is my thank you to him. 

A Year in Review

 I used to do these little survey things in the days of LiveJournal. It's been a few months since my last entry, so I thought it might be fun to do one here.

What did you do in 2021 that you'd never done before?
I got a book deal!

Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I'm not sure if I made any new year's resolutions last year. I had a few goals for this year, which was to complete my second manuscript and edit my first. I accomplished both of those.

Did anyone close to you give birth?
Not that I recall.

Did anyone close to you die?
Not that I recall.

What countries did you visit?
I was supposed to go to Argentina this summer, but COVID prevented the trip.

What would you like to have in 2022 that you lacked in 2021?
My book published. 

What date from 2021 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
November 1st: The day I received the offer letter on my book deal and November 29th, the day I was allowed to announce my book deal.

What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Getting a book deal, and getting a promotion at work.

What was your biggest failure?
I don't know that it's a failure, per se, but I would have liked to have an agent to help with the book deal. I'm not upset that I didn't have one, but I'd like to get one before I move forward on my next book. 

I would also say it was a slight failure, to me, that I only lasted roughly 5 months in the job I moved to in July. I'm going back to my old group at a higher grade, which is great, but I do wish it had worked out a little differently.

Did you suffer illness or injury?
My migraines seem to have gotten worse, but otherwise, no.

What was the best thing you bought?
Probably the two pieces of writing software that has helped me to edit my manuscripts.

Whose behavior merited celebration?
Kiddo has been doing really well with virtual school, and I'm very proud of her. Eric has been so supportive of my writing and my book deal.

Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
I was a little disappointed with how my previous supervisor behaved after I announced my intention to leave. So far, my current supervisor has taken my news of the promotion in stride, though I know she's unhappy.

Where did most of your money go?
Paying down debt, though I've also managed to save quite a bit.

What did you get really, really, really excited about?
My book deal!

What song will always remind you of 2021?
I got really into Taylor Swift's Folklore album, especially The One and Exile as they really helped me shape my second manuscript.

Compared to this time last year, are you...
Happier or sadder? Happier. This year was a really awesome one for me. I got a book deal, a promotion, and things are looking up in spite of the ongoing pandemic.
Thinner or fatter? about the same. Weight loss was put on the backburner, especially after I started the new job in July.
Richer or poorer? A little richer, though soon I'll be a lot richer when I start my promotion.

What do you wish you'd done more of?
Worked out, for sure. I also wish I was better at celebrating my accomplishments, both big and small. The pandemic definitely impacted that, but I'm also just never sure what to do to celebrate.

What do you wish you'd done less of?
Stressed over things out of my control - this was last year's answer, and I think it's still true. I wish I could let things go, especially other people's reactions to things I'm excited about.

How will you be spending New Years Eve?
Probably at home. I don't know that we have any specific plans.

Did you fall in love in 2021?
I fall in love with my husband every day.

How many one-night stands?
none

What was your favorite TV program?
I've continued to enjoy Hallmark shows and movies, but I also watched You on Netflix and the entirety of the Big Bang Theory on HBO.

Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I've moved beyond hating people. I've been disappointed in a few people this year, but overall, I haven't been overly bothered by anyone's specific behavior.

What was the best book you read?
Oof, I read so many books this year, including pre-published beta reads. I'm not sure I could pick just one book that was the "best." I really enjoyed For the Wolf, by Hannah Whitten. I'm not usually a fantasy reader, but I loved the way she incorporated the woods as a character. I also enjoyed the light hearted romcom "The Ex Hex" by Erin Sterling. 

What was your greatest musical discovery?
Hmmm, I was already a fan of Ron Pope's A Drop in the Ocean, but I downloaded a bunch of his other songs and have enjoyed what I've heard so far.

What did you want and get?
A book deal!

What was your favorite film of this year?
I think the most recent movie that I enjoyed that I can think of is Red Notice with Ryan Reynolds and Dwayne Johnson.

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
My husband picked up Cheesecake Factory, but I spent most of the day editing my manuscript before I sent it to the publisher who ultimately gave me the book deal.

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Hmmm, finding an agent or finding a job that I truly enjoy. I'm hoping my promotion will make me happy.

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2013?
Jeans, t-shirts, hoodies when it's cold. I haven't been to the office, aside from one day this summer, since March of 2020.

What kept you sane?
Social media, my family, and writing.

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
There were a few actors I started following on instagram after seeing them in various movies/shows. 

What political issue stirred you the most?
Probably the current supreme court cases regarding abortion, though I will admit, I haven't been as focused on politics as I've gotten older. Somehow arguing with people on the internet just feels like a waste of time.

Who did you miss?
My mother this year especially. Next Monday will be the 19th anniversary of her death and I was 19 when she died, so I will officially have lived longer without her than I did with her, and the thought is heartbreaking.

Who were the best new people you met?
I've met so many awesome people in the writing community via social media.

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2021.
There are many roads to publishing. Just because you take a different one doesn't make your route any less valid.

Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
I have been blessed with so much more than I deserve.